Various Kardashians

I think I at least like the concept of this dress.

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But in execution, it looks like she got TP'd. On purpose, naturally, because she's nothing if not fine with you squeezing the Charmin.

October 14, 2009

Fugé Fugdashian

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KHLOE: Lamar. Stand up straight. And stop smirking. We're INTERESTING now.

LAMAR ODOM: We are? Frankly, since I have an NBA ring, I thought I was already kind of interesting.

KHLOE: Duh, Lamar. No. You're not anything in this town until you con someone into paying for your quickie wedding. So, we're FASCINATING.

LAMAR: Huh. Really?

KHLOE: OBVIOUSLY. Why else would I wear a dress partly made of netting? If I'm interesting then so is my pelvis. And my boobs. Oh, and my thighs. And it's just not RIGHT to deny the world interesting things in these trying times.

LAMAR: Okay, Kourtney. Sure, honey.

KHLOE: I'm KHLOE.

LAMAR: You are? Hey, how about that.I guess I didn't need to send that apology letter to Reggie Bush.

KHLOE: That's ALSO not me, it's KIM.

LAMAR: Really? Wow. Which one did I get then?

KHLOE: ME YOU GOT ME I AM INTERESTING GOD DAMMIT.

LAMAR: Okay! Look, as long as the name's right on the pre-nup and the divorce papers, right?

KHLOE: Suddenly you are NOT so interesting.
Kim Kardashian is certainly toned, and she is definitely very pretty. And for all I know, maybe she's a royal diva, the kind that only eats orange M&Ms that aren't visibly touching any other color, refuses to use the bathroom unless there are rose petals in the bowl, and sups only on the juices of her own melodrama. I don't know her life.

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But I do know that she seems to be trying to convince us she's Jennifer Lopez. And you, Kim Kardashian, are no Jennifer Lopez. For one thing, you didn't even bring a prop scarecrow in a tux. I mean, REALLY.
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KYLIE JENNER: Um, hello? Isn't anyone going to stop this?

KENDALL JENNER: Seriously. SOMEBODY dropped the ball here.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN: Security!

KIM KARDASHIAN: What do you mean?

KYLIE: Ew, it's TALKING to us!

KENDALL: I am FURIOUS that they let random fans just WALK UP TO US. Don't they know who we ARE?

KOURTNEY: Well, nobody knows who YOU are, honey.

KYLIE: Oh, please, most people don't know who you are either.

KIM: They know who I am!

KENDALL: The hell? Why would they know who you are, Random Stranger?

KIM: Guys, it's me. Kim.

KOURTNEY: No it's not. I would know my own sister.

KENDALL: You look nothing like Kim, you lying strumpet.

KIM: Dudes, for real, it's ME. I just got a breakup tan and the Audrina Patridge Special on my hair.

KYLIE: I don't believe you.

KOURTNEY: Well, hang on, Kim HAS been yakking on Twitter about changing her hair.

KIM: Right! And now that I'm single, IT'S ON! Where you AT, Tony Romo?

KOURTNEY: I'm not sure how I feel about it.

KIM: Well, I am not sure how I feel about your dress. Is it a magic carpet that you bought in Santa Fe?

KOURTNEY: Oooh, it's a bitch! Then it's DEFINITELY Kim.

KIM: Very funny. 

Oh, Kim Kardash.

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[Photo: Splash News]

Girl, you're single now. And I'm not saying you need to start looking for a new man -- you and Reggie Bush just broke up! I get it! You're in mourning. You really want to be home rolling around in a pair of sweats and moaning, in between long stretches where all you do is eat carbs and snap at strangers innocently walking past your house to "get a room." We've all been there. But as soon as you feel ready to hear some loving, constructive advice, consider this mine: when the time comes that you feel ready to meet someone new (be it in real life or on some kind of apocalyptic reality programming in which you and Brody Jenner pick out dates for each other), MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT WEARING THOSE PANTS.

July 14, 2009

Kris Fugger

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BRUCE JENNER: Um, Kris?

KRIS (KARDASHIAN) JENNER: Yes?

BRUCE: What's the idea behind wearing an old gym towel belted to your dress? Are you having so much trouble keeping up with the Kardashians that you're breaking into a sweat? Ha ha ha!

KRIS: Very funny, Bruce. But no. It's there for YOU.

BRUCE: Me?

KRIS: You're an athlete!

BRUCE: Okay...?

KRIS: So, you know, you might want to do something athletic, randomly, maybe even right now!

BRUCE: I might?

KRIS: Just to remind everyone of your glory years!

BRUCE: I don't think that's going to happen.

KRIS: You didn't even think about it! Just consider it.

BRUCE: No.

KRIS: Come on. My kids are getting their own spinoff show. I want one TOO. I want it NOW.

BRUCE: This was maybe not the way to sell me on the idea.

KRIS: FINE... let's see if you feel that way when I pull out your old decathlon uniform from 1976!

BRUCE: Oh, Lord.

Spring is in the air, and with it, the requisite smell of hair bleach that indicates it's makeover season for anyone who's decided they have the winter doldrums.

Or in this case, it was Eau d'Whimsy: Kim Kardashian, probably terribly bored any time there aren't any fresh engagement rumors about her on the grapevine, decided to wear a honey-colored wig on the town this weekend and then Twitter about it being her new look before admitting it was a ruse. How original. How very Paris Hilton In Her Brunette Phase. Hell, even Marcia Cross did it not that long ago, causing heart attacks everywhere (read: in our respective houses) because the idea of her giving up that gorgeous red hair is deeply tragic.

Here was our girl Kim not so long ago:

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[Photos: Splash News]

And here she was this weekend, pulling her "hilarious" "prank":

March 30, 2009

Kim Karfuggian

You know, we may have hit upon a career for Kim Kardashian whenever the world FINALLY gets sick of watching her family's reality show.

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She can star in the Oxygen original series Xena: Warrior Planner, in which the titular heroine -- no longer battling enemies in the wild after getting her feet chopped off by Gabrielle in a tragic S&M accident -- applies her unique brand of aggressively breasted ass-kicking to organizing really contentious weddings. 

March 20, 2009

Fug Fugdashifug

One of the toughest trends to pull off is, for me, tall boots over pants. If you're stuck in a cold or wet climate and you need to shove your trousers inside any boot you can find, in the name of keeping your hems from being damp and uncomfortable against your legs all day, then a multitude of sins can be forgiven. But if you live in Los Angeles, and it's been warm, and it's not raining, and you have what I imagine Kim Kardashian's budget must be, you can do better than this:

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[Photo: Splash News]

Her upper half is crammed to the gills with Stuff -- a head-scarf, giant glasses, a loopy neck scarf, a cropped coat, a wrist cuff -- and yet her lower half looks underthought and terrible. The boots with those pants are really unflattering for her -- less like a trend and more like she just yanked on her waders so she can wander into a nearby creek and spear some dinner for herself and Reggie. Maybe his birthday fantasy was to have her create her own 2009 Women In Waders calendar, but the smart money is on Kim not realizing the proportions of this were so off that her entire leg looks like one big cankle. Or more accurately, a thkneeshikle (thigh-knee-shin-ankle). I hope this kicks off an exciting year of sartorial disasters for her so she gives us all more to think about in next year's Fug Madness.

February 17, 2009

Fug-3

So, we mentioned yesterday in linking to our Y-3 write-up that Kim Kardashian wore gold talons on her nails. Our New York mag colleague got a close-up photo of them ; backstage that's better than anything we could get through our channels but here's the gist: They look like the sort of thing Cleopatras stylist would have invented and then some obnoxious 'glypher -- who TOTALLY only carves on walls in his/her pajamas, never showers, and guzzles fermented Nile water -- chiseled something like, "What's with the fake nails, Cleo, did you break your real ones off in Caesar's hair?" And then some Lee executive decoded it thousands of years later and invented the modern-day press-on nail.

The best part, though -- to me -- is that she kept them on during a routine ice-cream run to Coldstone.

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[Photo: Splash News]

You can just see them up there on the first two fingers of her left hand, helping clasp her waffle sundae. Reggie Bush just looks like he wants to go home and play some Wii -- can't say I blame him; on Madden '09 he probably had a way better season (and yet you never hear of anyone decrying HER as any kind of athlete jinx; why does J.Simp get all the hate?) -- but Kim seems perfectly content squiring her talons all over town. They must be useful as the only things that can penetrate those shoulder pads when she gets a wicked itch. I am pretty sure that if The CW ever gets desperate and picks up the futuristic soap Dynasty 3012, this is what Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Flarp Mork Glarb (et al.; I can't possibly keep track of all the potentially alien marriages she will have entered into by then) will wear to the boardroom. AND possibly to bed.

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