VMAs

Not to put too fine a point on it: what the hell is going on here?

Did she hitch a ride with Marty McFly on some less-publicized jaunt in the De Lorean, this one from 1985 to 2004? [I'm sure she was disappointed by our lack of flying cars.] In fact, I suspect that's McFly's demin jacket tied around her waist.

Coming directly from the past to the VMAs: Latin America Remix is the only thing that would explain:

a) The legwarmers. Seriously, are you an extra in Center Stage II: Left of Center? Then can the leg warmers, because they didn't look good on you in 1985, they didn't look good on you during their mercifully brief revival sixteen months ago and they don't look good on you now.

b) The polka dot Minnie Mouse skirt.

c) the dirty Chuck Taylors. Which, you know, I like Converse too, but there's a time and a place and the time and the place is usually Saturday, 11:15am, Starbucks and not AN AWARDS SHOW.

d) Did I mention the jeans jacket, in a wash and a cut not seen since back before we knew George Michael was gay?

The only thing missing is a puffy red vest.

Poor Natalia Lafourcade. Apparently, fug is her density. I mean, destiny.

Dear America,

I am Jennifer Lopez and I am so very happy! Look at me kicking up my heels in pure glee! Glee! I'm gleeful! And why? Have you seen my husband? [I haven't seen him tonight myself because we're sort of pretending we're not married, but come on, girl, you saw those paparazzi photos I released to the Star.] My whole life I've been dreaming about this man, you know? Our relationship is so, so real.

Oh, there he is! Lookit him! Look!

This is a nice chest. Even though I hate Lenny Kravitz, I can appreciate a six-pack when I see one.

But... he is wearing wings. He is wearing a gigantic man-sized tassel, some jeans, and wings. And sunglasses that make him look faintly alien, in combination with the wings that he is wearing. Because he is, indeed, wearing wings. Scaly-looking fug wings.

Unless you are an angel, a bird, or a maxi-pad, you should not have wings.

It takes a very specific person to pull off hot pants. Beyonce is not that person.

Skin is not nature's trousers, lady. Cover up with something more than Jergens. [Or is it her stylist-mother Tina Knowles who has lost her mind?] I love Beyonce for not being a twig, and for having booty and thighs, but this outfit makes no sense. There are ways to sex up one's curves, and there are ways to make oneself look elephantine. Gold lame hot pants, on Beyonce, produce the latter effect. And the one-two punch of the big hair and huge collar is preparing to swallow her whole.

I don't quite understand the blonding up of Hollywood. Jennifer Lopez has gotten steadily more honey-hued, Carmen Electra showed up last night with blond locks, and Beyonce has gotten lighter and lighter, culminating in this totally overdone shade that just makes her look like some sort of tragic wig accident.

So listen up, Beyonc -- can I call you Beyonc? -- because I want to help you, and you obviously aren't getting any advice at home: Tresses dyed to match your outfit only worked when Gwen Stefani did it, and, let's face it, she didn't completely pull it off either. So you need to throw out the Feria and go get your hair tinted appropriately, and then start wearing clothes that don't look like a Victoria's Secret boudoir ensemble.

One can always count on Jimmy Fallon to bring a sense of ignorance to various proceedings. In this case, he appears not to know that he is at a fairly formal occasion:

Although he at least confortingly confirms that he knows where he is geographically -- unless that shirt was an accident -- it seems Jimmy Fallon, despite having been to numerous awards shows in the past, is laboring under the belief that he's never been to an awards show in the past. He looks bemused by all the glad rags. He's all, "Phew -- I was worried someone else would be wearing the same Gap khakis and t-shirt as I am. Thank GOD everyone else shopped somewhere much nicer than the gift shop at the Miami airport."

Jimmy, have you ever met a suit? Unless you are a rapper and/or have a posse of intimidating physical and membership size, then you're not supposed to put on any old crazy shit and call it an outfit -- hell, ninety percent of the aforementioned rappers/posse-bringers outdressed you, and that includes the many who wore oversized shirts.

If you've just come out of rehab for an "eating disorder" and you are making your first public appearance, perhaps it's not wise to a) look as if you are being held up by the comparative heft of your twin, and b) wear a shapeless sack made out of the tablecloth you stole from rehab so that you'd Always Remember. [Nice of Ashley to generously show solidarity by wearing a shapeless shift of her own.]

The rumor is that Mary-Kate came out of rehab ten pounds heavier. This dress choice makes it look like she lost weight. I really hope she just has no sense of style, and not that she's dressing this way because she's hiding her newfound obesity. Poor kid. CINCH IT, Olsen twin -- you have nothing to hide. Also, keep eating meatball subs. You won't be sorry.

This picture raises so many questions for me:

A) Did Amy Lee not get the memo about how Uggs are over? And about how they make girls with calves look like they've got mega-cankles and stumpy legs? And about how, at any rate, they're not appropriate for any event fancier than "Hon, I'm running down to the Piggly Wiggly for some cigs. Do you need anything?"

B) Didn't Elaine Irwin tell John [Cougar] Mellencamp that he probably ought to change out of his Dad Jeans and into a suit? Because John [Cougar] Mellencamp looks like he was just lolling in the hammock in his back yard in Indiana reading a book about poker and drinking a beer while his kids ran through the sprinklers. Which is a nice and completely defensible look -- when you're in the hammock in your back yard in Indiana reading a book and drinking a beer.

C) In his defense, John [Cougar] Mellencamp looks totally confused about what he's doing, who he's standing next to, and why he even agreed to get out of his hammock in the first place. Damn it, he forgot to turn the sprinklers off.

D) John? Everyone misses the "Cougar."

Why is Missy Elliot dressed like some sort of colorful Indiana Jones?

She must be seeking the Ark of the Fugenant. Shouldn't be too much of a search -- all she needs is a mirror.

Despite the fact that her apparent Marilyn Monroe fetish is becoming a little bit unsettling, Christina Aguilera for once managed to pull herself together for the Fug Carpet:

Not too shabby, eh? The shoes are pretty cute. The dress is lacking in atrocity. The hair... well, this is a girl who went with a Dee Snyder look for a while, so I'll happily take the overly precious ringlets.

But then, Christina saw fit to change her ensemble for the actual telecast, and in doing so put the Fug back in Fuguilera. Here she is on-stage:

I don't even know who this person is:

The caption tells me that her name is Syleena Johnson and Google tells me that she's a singer of some sort. Her website tells me that she's got a pretty decent voice. No one, however, will tell me why, in the name of God, she's wearing something that most closely resembles something Tonya Harding might choose to wear if she decided to launch a triumphant return to figure skating as the star of Mermaid Whores on Ice.

I'd also like to point out that this is the second mermaid whore of the evening. Is this a trend? In Brentwood, is Tori Spelling frantically trying to reach 90210's second season costume mistress to see if she's still got Tori's mermaid costume from That Episode Where Kelly Dressed Like a Slutty Witch and Got Punished For It When That Guy Tried to Rape Her, Thank God Steve Thwarted Him? Because I don't know if I can handle that.