Hilary's recipe for dressing up as if she belongs at a rock event:
1. When in doubt, wear black, especially smeared under your eyes.
2. The more suspiciously superfluous straps, the better, especially if at least one is falling down off your shoulder.
3. Gold chains make anything look hard-core -- when you think you've got on exactly the right number, add two more.
4. Do not be afraid to mix metals, such as heavy gold accessories with heavy silver trim on your shoes. It gives the appearance of not having tried.
5. If you have stumpy gams, share them! Mere hours before the ceremony, take scissors -- the world's greatest fashion tool! -- and hack off the bottom of your designer trousers to create a kicky shorts-based ensemble.
6. Slouch! And then, slouch more.
7. Bring a tranny with you so that everyone will be buzzing about whether it's a pre-op or a post-op, instead of talking about your lame outfit.
