Well Played

Dear Rachel Bilson,

Hi! How are you? I am fine. You were cute on Chuck this week. I think you are pretty. I also have a favor to ask.

Would you mind writing a little pamphlet called, say, Fashion For Shorties or Dressing the Heightually Challenged or Little Ladies Looking Like [Complimentary Word Starting With an "L" -- you'll think of something], or...whatever, you can title it whatever you want. Anyway, it'd be about how you manage, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, to show up places looking totally relaxed and chic, but not at all stumpy or overwhelmed by your clothing, despite the fact that you're only, like, three apples high. There are some people I need to send it to (KRISTEN BELL but don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise).

Thank you!

Love,

Jessica

Just yesterday I was at the hair salon, chit-chatting with my colorist about Kelly Clarkson, and how - although we love her -- she is often kind of a mess.  (This included reminiscing about how, when she first started on American Idol, she had those really chunky, very evenly spaced highlights that kind of made her head look like it was stuck behind bars in a prison of its own hair). But apparently, K. Cla got wind of our loving-yet-frustrated smack-talkery and decided to prove once and for all that, on occasion, she CAN dress herself:

I mean, is this the most hot-yet-also-revolutionary-fashion-forward-thing you've ever seen in your entire life? No. And yet, does she look super cute and comfortable in her own skin, and age appropriate, and not as though she's been digging through J. Lo's reject pile for items that make her look vaguely like an alien extra from the sequel to From Justin to Kelly, called From Justin to KellyII: Intergalatic Boogaloo? Yes. We'll take it.

My first thought when I saw this dress on Patti Labelle was, "Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time before Laura Ashley started hitting the bong."

Seriously, if there were a Broomcorn Farms Harvest Pageant Barbie, she would be wearing something like this for the talent portion. And Patti wants you to DRINK IT IN, GOOD PEOPLE, like it's the bourbon you keep in your hip flask (or in the fully stocked wet bar she's got stowed away somewhere in the neighborhood of her pelvis). I'm sitting here begging her to pick a silhouette and go with it -- cocktail-length frippery or sleekly silhouetted evening wear, but not its mutant bastard child-- and Patti's out there all, "TA-DA! That's RIGHT! I'll be here all week, folks! Tip my publicist."

But then I learned that she actually DID have a magic trick up her sleeve -- or skirt, as it were.

I think I'm developing a girl-crush on MGH right now. Although I can't call her that again, because it sounds like a beer -- like a hybrid blend called Miller Genuine High Life, billed as the Prosecco of beers rather than the champagne of them. And that's not fitting for Marcia Gay Harden, because she is nothing less than the champagne of hotties in this dress.

She looks fantastic -- age-appropriate but not stodgy; cute and fresh, but not like she's trying to emulate some fancy 18-year old pantyless coke fiend spreading her legs on the way out of a limo. And I think we all know how tempting it is to copy THAT behavior, so she's clearly mighty of will in addition to being formidably well-dressed. Bravo, non-skanky hot lady. Bravo.

It's so nice to see them get something right:

At last, at last, Wee Bell has realized that less is more on her weensy little frame! Not to mention the fact that this is an amazing color on her. Hmm, if she's sussed out the mysteries of her wardrobe, maybe it's not too much to hope that she'll manage to whip the current seriously lackluster season of Heroes into shape after all.

EMMA ROBERTS: Hi, Emma!

EMMA WATSON: Hi, Emma!

ROBERTS: You look cute! Even if I do suspect you're wearing pirate boots. It IS almost Halloween, and everyone loves a pirate! Anyway, your top makes up for it! You look so young and chic!

WATSON: Thanks, Emma! You look cute, too. Your dress is mildly prim and adorably retro, and I just love a good side part!

ROBERTS: Me TOO! So, we're basically best friends now, right?

WATSON: Clearly. Matching and/or similar hair parts  is simply the way our souls have chosen to communicate. Now can we talk at length about how refreshing it is to be two of the few young women in Hollywood who aren't rumored to be dating some old random weirdos, or on drugs, or flashing people, or going to jail, or mailing out naked photos of ourselves to people? Ooh, and then can we talk about how our names are ALMOST palindromes? NO ONE will ever talk to me about that!

ROBERTS: I guess so. I wanted to talk about how Dumbledore is gay. Oh, and about Rupert Grint and how he is or is not like Ron Weasley. Is he like Ron? I bet he is. I just love Ron. Aren't you glad she didn't kill Ron? I am. Oh! And about Daniel Radcliffe! Tell me everything! Everything! Have you ever made out with him? Have you been to his house? Does he ever let you borrow his pants? Can you set us up?

WATSON: This is never going to end, is it?

ROBERTS: You can ask me about my aunt Julia if you want. She bit me once. I'll show you the scar. We are best friends, after all.

WATSON: ...okay, that seems like a fair trade.

We've definitely called out Marcia Gay Harden a couple times on this site -- once for looking a bit like a washed-up grande dame, and once for getting a little bit braggy about the fact that she remembered to wear a bra.

But other times, she can look completely hot; I  just saw her on The View, in fact, looking super fit and fantastic, and she is totally dishy here:

Okay, she's a TINY bit orange, but it looks like she came by it honestly and it doesn't frighten me or have me concerned she's going to turn herself into an homage to Katie Couric: The Makeover Years. I'm more focused on how she's rocking her bod, that lovely purple color, the cleavage-teasing necklace, and that awesome bob. See, it's people like her who get me thinking that I should cut my hair off again, forcing me to smack myself in an effort to remember that I don't HAVE any of these people's same hair, nor the patience to blow the curls straight every single day so that it will look halfway reasonable and not like I am the world's biggest Carrot Top fan.

Now I feel like I should apologize to Marcia for invoking the ginger goon in a post about how stellar she looks. Oh well. Hopefully she'll understand.

"Pregnant? Me? Stripey, sweet me? Ay, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, oh, it's so good, I can't stop, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Does anyone care about Ben's Twiggy Wife and her womb this much? NO. I WIN I WIN I WIN. And I look  fabulous in all my boots and dresses and hats because I am the ONE TRUE DIVA and I like to keep you guessing and you are EATING out of the PALM of my HAND.

[Photo: Splash News]

LAGERFELD: PET! Let me clutch you.

KIRSTEN: Hi, Karl. Dig my Ray Bans? They're so Risky Business, so Tom Cruise.

LAGERFELD: Cruising is for drunk people. DO A SHOT OF LIFE.

KIRSTEN: I think I already did -- it feels good to be out and about looking showered and cute.

LAGERFELD: How DIVINE you look. A vision in cranberry.  To touch you is to cleanse the urethra. SPIN.

KIRSTEN: It's good, right? And the purple purse? I'm adorable!

LAGERFELD: If I'd never seen you before, I would say, "Dear GOD, who is that WOMAN? Send her a goldfish."

KIRSTEN: That ... means a lot, I'm fairly sure.

LAGERFELD: I can't squeeze hard enough, Miss Scarlett. Promise me you'll do it in the conservatory with the lead pipe.

KIRSTEN: You're a kick.

LAGERFELD: Kicking is for the mobile, darling. BE A STATUE.

We need to talk about Jennifer Garner, and not in a OH MY GOD JENNIFER PUT AWAY THOSE WHITE SATIN HOT PANTS kind of way, thank goodness. Basically, while our fondness for her is well-documented, even the haters have to admit that she has been WORKING IT lately. I love the dress she wore to the London premiere of The Whatever It's Called That Looks Sort of Like Alias But With Jamie Foxx And Without Wigs, Which Is Generally a Mistake:

And I ALSO love the dress she wore to the Paris premiere of same:

So pretty! And colorful! And classic! But not boring! But while whoever's styling her has been really on the ball lately (I know that she often works with Rachel Zoe, and if that's the case, I must salute you, Zoe, even if I don't enjoy it), most of all, I have been coveting her hair. I don't know what she's putting in it to make it so shiny and bouncy -- volumizer? Violet's saliva? The blood of virgins? -- but I want some, and I will pay whatever you charge.