Well Played Archives

November 5, 2009

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

There was a time when the sight of Beyoncce in a strapless, clingy gown with a fishtail-esque hem would've elicited an eye-roll from both of us, and a yawn, and several chants of "BORING" while we listened to The Pierces' "Boring" and scrawled the words Mrs. Beyonce BORING on our Trapper-Keepers.

And yet:

Apparently absence makes the heart grow fonder. Miss B has spent so much time wearing robot hands and leotards lately that I'm actually very pleased to see her looking so shapely and pretty here in that very eye-catching dress. I love the structure of the top. When you're a woman with hips, wearing a bodice like that with so much architectural fan detail is really risky because it could broaden you rather than flatter you but somehow -- by the grace of God and her DNA, I guess -- Beyonce is rocking it hard. I also love the full, curly hair. The whole thing, to me, works.

I mean, consider it: Not that long ago, Beyonce would've been the one showing up wearing this:

Continue reading MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce.

October 29, 2009

Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

"Hola, America! But no. Today is not for exclamation points. Today is for grieving. HOTLY. 'But Jennifer,' you say, 'isn't it rude to look muy caliente when you are celebrating the life and mourning the death of someone you did not know very well who is extremely famous?' Look, precious boring friends, being sad is no reason not to wear eyeliner. And it is a compliment -- no, an HONOR -- to Los Muertos to be fantastic in their memory. And so I will be a thriller. It is in my human nature to be a pretty young thing, bitches, and the man in the mirror agrees that this dangerous outfit can heal the world. And if you think that makes me a smooth criminal, and you want to be starting something, well, let me just say that you are BAD and you know it and you must let me say farewell, my summer love, in PEACE. VERY ATTRACTIVELY. And if you have a PROBLEM WITH THAT then you can BEAT IT, BILLIE JEAN. Because listen: Mr. Jackson was a PSYCHIC. Check it: He wrote a song about a RAT named BEN in the SAME YEAR THAT BEN RATFLECK WAS BORN. How did Michael KNOW? I will always regret that I did not hear his warning! Although, uno momento, amigos... why did he not come FIND ME and tell me to my FACE? I am Jennifer Lopez! I'm just over on The Block! I am so simple to find! HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. IF I WERE NOT SO DEVASTATED AND MOVED BY HIS TALENT I WOULD BE MUY FURIOSA RIGHT NOW. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. It is a good thing this eye-makeup works as Angry Jennifer AND Grieving Jennifer. Ha! I am multi-purpose! Drink it in, America! Adios! I must be windswept and solemn now."

October 23, 2009

Well Played, Anne Hathaway

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multi-colored

I am usually not a fan of themed dressing.

Like, remember when Kiki Dunst was in Marie Antoinette, and for a while there every time she went somewhere, she looked like she was about ready to plonk her head down on the guillotine? That was annoying. (Although, parenthetically, I really MISS Kirsten Dunst. Come back, Kiki. Your public needs you...to make fun of. WITH LOVE. You know we love you. I actually just want to embrace you. Remember that time I wanted you to be on a show solving murders with Jason Schwartzman? HE HAS A DETECTIVE SHOW NOW. CALL HIM. PUT ON YOUR FAKE GLASSES AND GET A JOB ON THAT THING. Also, where are my royalties for that?) However, Annie H here is at an event benefiting gay and lesbian civil rights in the state of New York, and I feel like the cheery rainbow-flag trim on her cute little 80s-style dress comes across not as irritatingly self-referential -- like Kiki's was (sorry, Kiki) -- but as a fun little nod to the cause. Thematic, and SUBTLE. Imagine that.

October 22, 2009

Well Played, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried

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AMANDA SEYFRIED: Hi Julianne. You look great.

JULIANNE MOORE: So do you. You could maybe use some lipstick?

AMANDA; You could, too. But honestly...you look young and adorable.

JULIANNE: So do you. Actually, I feel like we could almost trade outfits.

AMANDA: Looking so cute in unison is so BORING.

JULIANNE: I wonder what we wore to the movie premiere later.

Continue reading Well Played, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried.

October 20, 2009

Fug The Cover: Kristen Bell

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Lucky

So, between Forgetting Sarah Marshall and her recent Q&A thing with Entertainment Weekly, I have decided I totally like Kristen Bell. I mean, the girl admitted to watching Tool Academy. Anyone who shares my obsession with that show -- which yielded a contestant who called himself Matsuflex; the quote, "You may be dead but what's in my pants is very much alive"; eliminates people by saying, "I'm sorry, you're just a tool"; inspires the contestants to get rabid about protecting the integrity of the academy (seriously); and features them coping with anger by tearing off their shirts -- rates highly in my book.

As does this dress:

I know it's kind of busy, and I know that I can't completely tell what the pattern is because I'm squinting at my laptop screen due to the fact that I'm forced to work at a Coffee Bean that appears to be located on the surface of the sun. The skirt, through my near-closed eyes, reminds me a bit of very cold bumblebees being squashed, although maybe that's just me projecting my dislike of bees. Yes, I've heard they have secret lives, but they also want to violate my flesh, which is NOT OKAY.

Anyway: Regardless of all that, I think this is cute on her. Much more befitting of a girl who seemed, in that EW questionnaire, like she might be fun to hang out with, or whose DVR list at least might resemble mine. Which means that if she walks in here to order a pumpkin ice-blended in five minutes, I can walk up to her and be all, "Dude, what is UP with Hillbilly Tool wanting to use his prize money to buy 200 trailers?!?" and she'll go, "I KNOW, and I totally miss Matsuflex and that other tool whose girlfriend that brought him to the academy got ousted in favor of his ACTUAL girlfriend of six years that she didn't know existed, and who at the reunion show had a THIRD girlfriend who was pregnant!" Sigh. Good times.

Unlike this cover:

Continue reading Fug The Cover: Kristen Bell.

October 20, 2009

Well Played, Mischa Barton?

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blue

I have a confession to make. I totally was watching Mischa Barton's show, The Beautiful Life: TBL, even though every single time they went to commercial, I was like, "WHY THE 'TBL'? That's like calling Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl: GG, or One Tree Hill, One Tree Hill: OTH, or my personal favorite, 90210: 90210." And I just realized that I am pretty sure Heather made that joke already, back when it was timely, but STILL. We should have KNOWN it wasn't going to be any good. But I still mourned its loss: how am I supposed to know what happened to the Hot Dumb Boy Model Whose Dad Is Literally A Farmer Who Grouses About The Harvest, or the Hot Blonde Sweet Model Whose Dad Is Russian Mafia, or Mischa Barton, whose character had A SECRET BABY?? (That all makes it sounds better than it really was, of course: it was no Melrose Place: MP, which is legitimately juicy fun.) Anyway, I sort of wanted to support poor Mischa. She's having a rough year. But maybe things are looking up?

Mischa has always cleaned up beautifully. I mean, say what you will about her outfits or her acting -- we sure have -- but I think she has a great face. And I sort of love this dress, in part because the neckline is unusual but not CRAAAAZY, and it frames said face so nicely. Also, I am obsessed with navy blue.

Let's check out the back:

Continue reading Well Played, Mischa Barton?.

October 19, 2009

Well Played, Helen Mirren

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Hello, Helen Mirren.

You're awesome.

That's all.

Love,

Jessica

October 16, 2009

Unfug-or-Fab It Up: Rose McGowan

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Obviously, if you're doing something spiffy with the Museum of Arts and Design, you're going to be tempted to wear something very unusual -- something artsy, perhaps, and full of design. I just can't decide what to make of Rose's effort here:

My brain keeps whipsawing between the good and the odd. Tiny waist! Clunky shoes. Interesting neck! Terrible hair. And the skirt gives me pause: On one hand, it makes her look like a martini glass, all boring stem and then an explosion of fun up top. But on the other, what the hell DO you wear with that top? It's like when you try something on at the store and you love it but you don't have a thing that goes with it in your wardrobe, and so you think, "Well, I'll buy the top first and then I'll FIND SOMETHING to wear it with," and then you never do, and suddenly you've never worn it and you really want to and so you just throw any old thing with it and hope for the best.

Now, possibly, that's just sewn to LOOK like it's separates, but I just wonder if it's a waste of an architecturally interesting upper half not to make it a full ball gown, or have it flow into a tight pencil-cut dress. I am gripped with indecision on this fine Friday, and I don't like to end my week under such terrible stress. Indecision is for Wednesdays, people. Because then you get over it and you cake walk through the rest of the week. So help me out here, in sort of a hybrid Fug or Fab and Unfug piece -- talk up its relative merits and demerits in the comments, and let us all know what you'd do if you got to play stylist. Stay on topic, stay friendly, stay on target, stay with me, stay for a while, stay sweet and see you next summer, etc.

poll by twiigs.com

October 15, 2009

Well Played, Cindy Crawford

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You know, people are always like, "Cindy Crawford, she's aging so well, she looks so great, she's so beautiful, BLAH BLAH BLAH."

And I'm like, "OH YEAH? You think so? Because...you totally have a point."

October 12, 2009

Well Played, Emmy Rossum

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green,
ruffles

It certainly is interesting that Emmy Rossum is suddenly everywhere, in the wake of the Public Divorce from her Secret Husband. I'd hypothesize that she's looking for Secret Husband Number Two, but she's dating Adam Duritz and neither one of them is being secretive about it, perhaps because that relationship has gotten them more press than either of them has had in years. Don't you feel like Ex-Mr-Rossum is sitting at home reading People, and being like, "REALLY? THAT GUY? FROM COUNTING CROWS? Huh." Which is part of the reason I would not want to be a celebrity. In addition to bitches making fun of my awesome outfits, I'd have to see my ex-boyfriends splashed on the front of US Weekly, all "HE FINALLY SETTLES DOWN," while I'm just trying to buy a Slurpee. But as much as I have enjoyed cracking on La Rossum in the past, I must admit that I think this is rather pretty:

I like the color, the ruffle is sort of visually intriguing, it fits her nicely, and the styling is refreshingly understated. She neither looks like a doll, nor as though she just stumbled off the pole. Points to Rossum. THIS time. Enjoy it while it last, kid.

Well Played

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Beyonce

Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

Well Played, Anne Hathaway

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Well Played, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried

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Fug The Cover: Kristen Bell

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Well Played, Mischa Barton?

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Well Played, Helen Mirren

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Unfug-or-Fab It Up: Rose McGowan

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Well Played, Cindy Crawford

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Well Played, Emmy Rossum

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