Well Played Archives

May 1, 2009

Fug or Fab: Kate Hudson; Well-Played, Demi Moore

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dialogue

[Photo: Splash News]

DEMI MOORE: Hahahahahaha!

KATE HUDSON: Hahahahahah...wait, what are we laughing at?

DEMI: Oh, NOTHING!

KATE: Really? You seem so MERRY.

DEMI: Well, yes. I can't help it. I am INSANELY HOT and appear to only get HOTTER as the years tick by. Wouldn't YOU be happy too? Especially if you knew that there was simply no argument as to your hotness?

KATE: Is there argument as to my hotness?

DEMI: Maybe not your hotness...but certainly your dress.

poll by twiigs.com

April 28, 2009

Well Played, Jennifer Garner

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basic (or unbasic) black

Here is one reason I will always like Jennifer Garner. Well, I suppose she could go on Letterman and admit to flossing her teeth with puppies and that she willfully burns copies of Dynasty DVDs just to hear Joan Collins' soul scream, and that might change my opinion. But otherwise, I find her refreshingly normal:

Listen, the dress? It's boring. But J.Gar had a baby in, what, early January? And it's now late April, and she's losing the weight healthily and at her own pace. Most self-congratulatory head-cases in this town would have been one-woman gun shows, ripped to the gills, by March -- and then done a magazine cover about how it took TWO WHOLE MONTHS to drop the weight by working out six times a day, starting a week after the birth, and eating really satisfying palm-sized pieces of fish with lemon juice and a piece of lettuce.

Garner, conversely, looks great here -- but she also looks regular. She's clearly letting it come off the normal way and at the normal rate, and isn't too concerned about remaining housebound in a caftan until she's 90 lbs of muscle. It's just nice to see that kind of an approach to celebrity pregnancy at a time when everyone else decides the inspirational stories involve the likes of Dancing With The Stars' Samantha Harris, who bragged in Us about how she only gained 20 lbs and lost it with, like, one giant sneeze about two weeks after she popped out the baby.

So, well played, Jen. Now just make sure those divorce rumors from before you were preggo turn out to be false, okay? Because I find your family adorable. And your life is, of course, about what I want.

April 27, 2009

Well Played, Your Whole Life: Bea Arthur

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Golden Girls

By now, everyone's probably heard the news that this weekend, our beloved Bea Arthur -- Lady of the Lanai, Countess of Caftans -- passed away from cancer at age 86, sparking an endless parade of "and then there was NOT Maude" status updates on Facebook.

This is how we felt when we heard the news:

I mean, we LIVE on Golden Girls references. We devour memories of the ensembles from that sparkling age.

Yes, Blanche looks batty. But LOOK AT DOROTHY'S TUXEDO THING. I don't know if it's weirdly reflective crushed velvet, or what, but the light catches it as if it's cow-patterned on the skirt. It's AMAZING. And the scowl! Want to see what our souls look like whenever we see something on a celebrity that looks awful? Behold:

Continue reading Well Played, Your Whole Life: Bea Arthur.

April 16, 2009

Well Played, Diane Kruger

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I hope I am not just blinded by the afterglow of seeing how adorable she and Josh Jackson were together at Fashion Week. But I don't think I am -- I think I really just love this on Diane Kruger:

Something about how graceful and lithe she seems to be carries off all the feathers very strongly, the color is lovely and romantic, and the shoes are adorable.

She's becoming a bit like a junior Cate Blanchett for me -- not in the acting sense (if you have ever seen her act opposite Nicolas Cage, you will understand what it must feel like to watch a tree talk to a brick), but in the way that Diane takes big fashion risks that either fail epically or succeed impressively. Plus, both she and Cate carry off with aplomb stuff that would swallow up most other women. For instance, I am certain that if poor old Jessica Simpson wore this, I would wonder if she'd been tarred and feathered -- but seasonally! -- at an Easter Egg hunt. Hell, I am certain that if I wore this, I would wonder the same thing, followed by pondering a quick checkup at my doctor's office for selective amnesia.

On Diane, though? Well played, lady. Now go let Josh cuddle your feathers. You know he wants to so badly.

April 14, 2009

Non-Damagingly Played, Lisa Rinna

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green

[Photo: WENN.com]

LISA RINNA: FINE, fine, America, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

HARRY HAMLIN: Come on, Lisa, I can't believe you listened to those yokels! They're just afraid of what they feel!

LISA: No, no, Harry, if America wants me to put away my crotch, and the high-slit/boobs combo, and the Joan Collins hair, then FINE. FAR BE IT FROM ME to disobey the will of the public.

HARRY: What's the problem, America? Why you gotta be like that? She's got GREAT thigh cleavage! Why are you spoiling everyone else's fun?

LISA: Are you HAPPY NOW, America? I'm clothed AND you upset my husband!

HARRY: I just can't believe these prudes are crotch haters! They should be THANKING you! They're LUCKY to see what I see every day! And they don't even have to share with you their L.A. Law residuals!

LISA: WHAT L.A. Law residuals? Nobody reruns that show, Harry.

HARRY: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, AMERICA. You've made her CRANKY and she's TAKING IT OUT ON L.A. LAW.

LISA: Let's just go, Harry. We've given them what they want. Now let's get this evening over with so I can take off this itchy fabric and set my essence free.

April 2, 2009

Well Played, Anne Hathaway

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VALENTINO: Anne. Pet.

ANNE HATHAWAY: Hello!

VALENTINO: I cannot believe my eyes.

ANNE: Thank you! I AM pretty pleased with my dress. My cleavage looks a bit fabulous.

VALENTINO: SO WHITE.

ANNE: ... Okay, now I have no idea whether it's a compliment or not.

VALENTINO: How are you so PALE? It's so UNNATURAL!

ANNE: ... Did he just tell me MY skin is unnatural?

VALENTINO: Skin the color of paper! It has to be a practical joke! Where is that George Clooney? Is he behind this?

ANNE: But this is totally the skin color I was born with -- I'm fair, you know? I like myself that way.

VALENTINO: Like? LIKE?

ANNE: Yeah! I'm proud of how I look. Porcelain skin is in, man.

VALENTINO: HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

ANNE: No, really, it's...

VALENTINO: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

ANNE: You're serious?

VALENTINO: HA.

ANNE: Because...

VALENTINO: HAH HA HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HAAA. IT MADE A FUNNY! HA HA HA HA!

ANNE: This is going to be a long night.

March 10, 2009

Well Played, Rose Byrne

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pink

OKAY. We're making progress here.

Rose (wearing a very pretty dress in dusty rose, in what I'm sure is an unintentionally twee coincidence) actually looks moderately alive. Of all the times I've seen her, she looks the LEAST like she's about to barf all over her skirt from nerves, or burst into tears at the merest change of wind, or faint if you call out her name. She's wearing the merest hint of a quasi-smile. In fact, she's all but decided it's time to consider expressing a modicum of cheer. It's a MIRACLE. Maybe there's hope for this one after all.

March 5, 2009

Well Played, Kristen Bell

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blue

Oh, K.Bell. We have gone through so many ups and downs, haven't we? And I was so scared when I saw you at the Miss Sixty show, figuring you might get some toxic ideas in your head and show up at parties in that acid-washed-denim strapless jumpsuit. But maybe that show was your way of reminding yourself what NOT to do, as this is most decidedly a crest and not a trough:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I LOVE that dress. I want that dress. I will never have that dress. Which is not a very happy ending for me, but I'm used to it -- my relationship with pretty celebrity fashion has always been one of unrequited ardor, and my bank account prefers it that way. I suppose keeping the roof over my head, rather than buying dresses with four-figure price-tags but living beneath an overpass in an old appliance box, IS a happy ending in itself.

March 2, 2009

Well Played: Robert Pattinson

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Twilight

As a follower of celebrity trends, a woman, a person blessed with the power of sight, and a human being, I would like to officially offer a heartfelt expression of thanks to Robert Pattinson, for showering:

You clean up so good, dude! You're so cute! Was it really that hard? (Your tie is like a hair too short, but let's pretend that was just because Kid Who Plays Jacob That Everyone Wants To Recast Maybe was throttling you with it earlier, in some kind of job-insecurity-related stress rage, and we really can't hold you responsible for that. Especially in light of the fact that you look SO MUCH BETTER THANK GOD.)

Stewart, I'll deal with you later. Let's just say...Jessica Biel's Unwashed Oscar Hair of Shame was maybe not the right choice.

February 26, 2009

Oscar Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

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pink,
yellow

Mostly, the people who swapped outfits after the Oscars were ladies who had really dramatic trains that risked getting ruined -- people like Marisa Tomei or Penelope Cruz, who clearly did not want to look down and see a plate of shrimp, half a glass of red wine, and Madonna's shoe-print all over their beautifully elaborate hems. However, Alicia Keys joined the ranks of those who changed just because.

Here's what she had on for the red-carpet portion of events:

I love that pinkish-purple, and her lipstick complements it nicely (I cannot thank her ENOUGH for not doing a nude or pale-pink lip, because I am generally tired of those), although that shiny eyeshadow does contour her a TAD too much -- sometimes I had to blink to make absolutely sure it really was Alicia Keys, and not some lookalike who only got in because she hummed two bars of "Fallen" to the security guard. And I admit to being semi-distracted by the bodice; when she was on-screen, I'd immediately wonder why her right boob was higher and two cup sizes smaller than the left, and then have to remind myself it's just a trick of the dress.

But in the end, there's something undeniably floaty and romantic about it. Her actual loveliness often gets lost by some weird ensemble or other -- skintight jeans, jumpsuits with lumpy crotches. Not so here. For which I am ALSO profoundly grateful, because if she'd shown up wearing a spandex jumpsuit with a biscuit-sized bulge in exactly the wrong place, I'd have gotten an attack of the vapors.

This dress didn't make it to the after-party, though. Here's what did:

Continue reading Oscar Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys.

Well Played

Fug or Fab: Kate Hudson; Well-Played, Demi Moore

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Well Played, Jennifer Garner

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Well Played, Your Whole Life: Bea Arthur

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Well Played, Diane Kruger

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Non-Damagingly Played, Lisa Rinna

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Well Played, Anne Hathaway

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Well Played, Rose Byrne

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Well Played, Kristen Bell

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Well Played: Robert Pattinson

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Oscar Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

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