Well Played Archives

February 25, 2009

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Miley Cyrus

Fug file:

go big or go home

Yes, that's right, you read the headline correctly -- this is probably going to be a really unpopular opinion, but I don't care. I am going to defend Miley Cyrus' Oscar dress. Because the more I read how much people hated it, the more I'm like, "... Wow, I really didn't think it was that bad at ALL."

To do it, though, I'm going to start with what she wore last year. Remember this?

At the time a lot of critics -- including me, and I still stand by it -- thought this was overly aging. Like she was trying to be a demure 25-year old, and while I appreciate the instinct not to skank it up at her first-ever Oscars and ESPECIALLY at her young age, it came off more like she borrowed a dress from her mother. Under extreme duress. At the time Miley was 15 and whether you like her or not, she's got a really lively personality. She banters with Ryan Seacrest better than people twice her age, even if occasionally that banter is about how bummed she is that she got a hand-me-down Porsche for her birthday. (I mean, I hope she can also have her tight diamond shoes stretched so they don't give her blisters -- seriously, I've had the same Honda since I was 20, and I just found out the front undercarriage is being held together by a coat hanger. For real. I have no idea how it happened.) Yet somehow she hits this oddly entertaining combo of acting her age AND being personable, and this dress really wastes that.

So, now let's jump ahead to this year's Oscars and take a gander at what she picked:

Continue reading Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Miley Cyrus.

February 23, 2009

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Jennifer Aniston

Fug file:

wearing white

That's right, Aniston, prepare to be shocked and amazed: We totally dug this dress on you.

It's not black! It's not plain! It's downright glittery! It's completely flattering! And frankly, you have every right to look happy, since you stood up there in front of Brangelina -- knowing full well that the entire time you and Jack Black did your comedy bit, the telecast directors would be squawking about cutting to as many shots of them staring up at you as possible -- and you nailed it gracefully and as if nobody in the room had ever divorced you and then knocked up the world's most beautiful woman two times. It's a shame you're dating kind of a douche. A funny douche, and a personable one, sure, but still, isn't it a tad fishy that John Mayer was supposedly asking for "space" and "breathing room" and other commitment-phobe cliches about a week or two ago, then conveniently decided to be all over you at the post-parties for the Academy Awards? Although maybe you see right through it. Maybe you wanted it that way -- seriously, bring a date who appears smitten with your yoga-sculpted hot ass, just in case you bump into Angelina at the bar. Maybe you are a genius. Regardless, you looked gorgeous, so bask in the glow of our collective affection and then go find a nicer, more reliable boy toy that you are not in danger of needing to enroll in Tool Academy. That Zachary Levi is cute, AND tall. John Stamos is single -- who doesn't love Uncle Jesse? Ben Roethlisberger needs a nice lady friend to remind him about wearing helmets on his motorcycle. See? There are options.

February 23, 2009

Well Played, Viola Davis

Fug file:

metallics

VIOLA DAVIS: I am so excited. I can't believe I'm here!

DUDE BEHIND VIOLA DAVIS: Holy cats. That woman is FOXY.

VIOLA: I had twelve minutes on the movie screen and my nose was totally running for at least half of it! But I still got nominated, because I kind of stole the hell out of that scene from Meryl Streep!

DBVD: I could play her like a viola, if you get my meaning. She could come join my string quartet, if you hear my drift.

VIOLA: I'm 43 years old and I never thought this time would come, but it did!

DBVD: She's 43?!?!? HOT DAMN. Shoot, somehow that makes her even finer. I cannot stop checking out her ass. I may need to Twitter her, if you know what I'm saying.

VIOLA: I am going to WORK THIS, fools! Drink it in, but it won't be your only sip!

DBVD: Sip? Why, I could tap that entire cask of finest vino and chug it in two minutes, if you smell what I'm steppin' in, succulent lady!

VIOLA: 'Cause, see, I have a rockin' bod and a killer face, this dress rules on me, and I don't look a day over 35. So after my big nomination, I am NOT going to disappear into the ether or do Botox ads like that Virginia Madsen person. Hell no, Hollywood. I am here to STAY. GET READY TO LOVE ME, Y'ALL!

DBVD: Yeeeeeah, baby, that's right -- I already love you. I could love you all night. Maybe even until sometime in the early morning, before I have to sneak back home and get in bed just in case my mother checks on me and notices I put a blow-up toy under the covers. Which.... shoot, my curfew is in fifteen minutes. At least this will make the AWESOMEST Facebook status update EVER.

February 12, 2009

Well Played: The Johnson Family DNA

It's been quite a week of fuggery, hasn't it? M.I.A. and Mayisha at the Grammys, Roisin Murphy's pants, Zooey Deschanel's saggy dress, and Alice Dellal's eye-searing number that almost made me cry blood... And it's only Thursday. We still have ONE MORE DAY and we've already been exposed to enough strong fug rays to get a screaming burn. Too bad they dont make fugscreen lotion.

Let's see if this is the next best thing:

Yes, that's right, The Rock -- oops, I mean, Dwayne Johnson; sorry -- YOU just might be the cure. You are ridiculously smooth. And soothing. You are charming eye candy, a lozenge in these sore-throated times of pained screams at the sight of Alice Dellal's crotch trying to peek out from behind a strip of spandex. Thank you for being you, Dwayne. Thank you on behalf of all Dwaynes in the world for making the name Dwayne cool (get back to me when you can bodyslam an angry dude in tights, Dwayne Wade; and sorry, Dwayne Wayne, but you didn't quite get there either). And thank you for lowering my blood pressure. If we are ever hiring another intern to help lighten George's workoad, we promise to consider your application.

And now, buoyed by the calming sight of his mug (and the memory of what it looked like when he wore his WWE spankies), I am ready to confront another day. Bring it on, Friday. DO YOUR WORST.

February 11, 2009

Annoyingly Well Played BAFTA Red Carpet: Sharon Stone

Fug file:

red

"HELLO BITCHES! I know. I know. You don't need to say it. I LOOK AWESOME. And WHY? Why do I look so awesome? BECAUSE I AM AWESOME, THAT'S WHY. I was dancing around my hotel room today to the Christian Bale Temper Tantrum Dance Remix -- that kid is so misunderstood, I need to remember to fax him a little poem I wrote about him -- and thinking to myself, 'Sharon, enough with the frocks made from the shredded loins of wee rodents and the bralessness and the terrible eye-makeup that makes me look like I was assaulted by the new boy working the Benefit counter and the wearable/edible pintas and the hat made of corn chips. In this time of massive economic suckery, the world doesn't need Sharon Stone 2.0: The Courtney Love Years. It needs Sharon Stone 1.0: The Sharon Stone Years.' And so I'm BACK, bitches. BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Lock up your menfolk and hide the scotch, because I am here to stay! PS: I wasn't sure about the hose with this, and then I was like, WHO CARES? I'm Sharon f'ing Stone."

February 10, 2009

BAFTA Awards Well-Played Carpet: Kylie Minogue

Fug file:

basic (or unbasic) black

It's a miracle, you guys:

Kylie Minogue, who could probably fit into most people's coat pockets, looks almost TALL. I love the dress on her, think the hair is a huge improvement over her bleached-blonde locks of yore, and want the shoes so badly that I am tempted to offer her some kind of trade. Like, my house. Maybe we could do a temporary swap: She can move in next time she's in Los Angeles for however long she needs it, and I will live in my car and wear those shoes all over town and warm myself with the sun's rays glinting off their sparkly gloriousness. Sounds fair to me.

Separately... is it just me, or is this pretty much what Madonna thinks she looks like now?

poll by twiigs.com

February 3, 2009

Fug Getting Married/Well Played, Viola Davis

Fug file:

"Hello. I'm Anne Hathaway:

"Welcome to my one woman show! It's called Cream of Wheat: A Love Story, and it's about my life-long affair with warm breakfast cereals. This is my costume for Act I's closing number, a stirring song called 'Sowing My Quaker Oats' and -- oh, FINE. FINE. I JUST PICKED SOMETHING BLAND. IT HAPPENS. I'm not HAPPY about it. PLEASE don't take a picture of me next to Viola Davis. Have you SEEN HER?

Continue reading Fug Getting Married/Well Played, Viola Davis.

February 2, 2009

Well Played, Marisa Tomei and Freida Pinto

Fug file:

I just discovered two whole cans of Diet Coke in the back of my fridge, and when you think you're all out of that sweet, sweet elixir, making that kind of discovery is the equivalent of stumbling over a pair of Loubs you never knew you owned, hidden underneath a pile of dirty socks. I might have squealed with glee. So I must say that I am feeling charitable right now. However, even were I in my most cranky of moods, I would have to hand it to Tomei/Pinto (which sounds like a new, up-and-coming ad agency). Check it:

(If you click on them, you can see them bigger. Technology!)

As Liz Lemon would say, "I want to go to there." And by "there," I mean, "their closets, where I plan to steal these dresses, their shoes and bags, Tomei's necklace, and Freida Pinto's hair, although how I plan to pull that part of it off, I haven't quite figured out." Is it wrong that I am getting sort of excited about the Oscars? Because if it is -- wait for it -- I don't want to be right.

January 30, 2009

Well Played Shout-Out: Dakota Fanning

Fug file:

So, it's Friday, and I don't know about you, but all the current economic doom and gloom is about to give me an ulcer. When I woke up to NPR this morning, the first thing I heard -- LITERALLY, I am not making this up -- was someone yelping, "THE ECONOMY IS BROKEN." REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. Thanks for that CONSTRUCTIVE TAKE ON THINGS. So yes: the economy is broken, we're all worried about our bank balances, it is stressing everyone out and rightly so. That being said, would it not be nice to take a moment and reflect on something delightful in these dark days? I nominate Dakota Fanning, who is growing up into the cutest teenager ever: I just love this:

I want this. Sure, I'm twice her age, but I think I could pull it off. Maybe. But be that as it may, I think she looks mature but not tacky or trashy or overly-made up or trying too hard, without being boring. She just looks adorable and appropriate without being twee or super trendy or desperate for attention. Which is not unusual for her, actually:

Continue reading Well Played Shout-Out: Dakota Fanning.

January 28, 2009

SAG Awards Well-Played Carpet: Evan Rachel Wood, With A Surprise Ending

I loooove this color. I feel like it's very difficult for anyone except perhaps an actual Smurf to go wrong in this color:

But that shouldn't take away from how well Evan Rachel Wood is rocking it, with her glowing skin and subtle -- by her standards -- makeup. The purple accessories have me torn; on the one hand, I applaud the unusual choice, but on the other, they are kind of distracting. In all, though, it's totally understandably why Mickey Rourke allegedly was spied making out with Evan Rachel after the SAG Awards. Which is not to say that I understand why Evan Rachel allegedly sucked face with Mickey Rourke -- rather, if I were Mickey, and I were coming off a wildly successful, acclaimed, decorated movie role, and I were standing next to this girl just a few weeks after memorably thanking my dogs for their companionship over the years, I'd probably be like, "Okay, Self. You may not look like Original Mickey Rourke any more, but you do not wear white contacts and you generally don't evoke images of Satan worship, so you are LIGHT YEARS ahead of this kid's last boyfriend. GO FOR IT."

All of which makes me feel a bit bad for Bai Ling, if indeed it's true she hooked up with Mickey Rourke after the Golden Globes. We rib our girl Bai, but we just want her to be happy; however, can it be a coincidence that after her rumored Rourkeing, she turned up not once but TWICE in full-coverage outfits? Behold:

Continue reading SAG Awards Well-Played Carpet: Evan Rachel Wood, With A Surprise Ending.

Well Played

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Miley Cyrus

Fug file:

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Jennifer Aniston

Fug file:

Well Played, Viola Davis

Fug file:

Well Played: The Johnson Family DNA

Annoyingly Well Played BAFTA Red Carpet: Sharon Stone

Fug file:

BAFTA Awards Well-Played Carpet: Kylie Minogue

Fug file:

Fug Getting Married/Well Played, Viola Davis

Fug file:

Well Played, Marisa Tomei and Freida Pinto

Fug file:

Well Played Shout-Out: Dakota Fanning

Fug file:

SAG Awards Well-Played Carpet: Evan Rachel Wood, With A Surprise Ending

Search

Fug Favorites

Featured Fugger

The Book of fug

Subscribe to GFY

Featured Brands

Featured Searches