Well Played Archives

January 12, 2009

Golden Globes Divaliciously Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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metallics

"Hola, adoring fans. Are you pleased to see me? Of course you are. I am pleased to see you, but I cannot show it, because this very dramatic dress is not for smiling giddy dopey people. It is for SERIOUS people with SERIOUS fierceness, no? And I am VERY SERIOUS. For one thing, I agreed to come here to the Golden Globes even though I am not nominated, despite having done the best acting work of my life just by staying married to this person. Because I am SERIOUS about reminding people that I used to act, and also, I am SERIOUS about getting Ralph Fiennes to talk to me again. Amigos, he won't even make eye-contact. Who had even HEARD of him before Maid in Manhattan, eh? The three people who saw that Sphincter's List, or whatever? My mother, who saw that movie where he was an English man who was somebody's patient? I don't even know the NAME of that thing! I MADE him, and what do I get? He blushes and runs away? Tonto. At least people know how to pronounce my name, RAFE FINES. Dios mio.

You are probably wondering why I am standing here with this loco Milhouse, because I am supposed to be hating him and not wearing my wedding ring. Well, it is a long story, my pets. I made him wear the glasses. He seems less tired, no? If I have to look at him, I need to believe he is not dying. But I also REFUSE to divorce him while She Who Shall Not Be Named is cooing over a new baby with Crapfleck. If his boring rebound marriage is still alive, then SO IS MINE, fools. I will let Marc nibble on my neck at night and allow him to squeal like a pathetic little baby girl whenever we get served garlic bread at a restaurant, and I will serve him V8 through a tube in the mornings, and it will be fine, because that is what divas DO. Divas do not QUIT. Divas do not let girls with big lips and a husband with back hair BEAT THEM. So SUCK IT, Douchefleck and Bride! Now excuse me, I must go slap Ralph Fiennes with my handbag. Or with my Marc. I don't care which one."

January 9, 2009

Critics' Choice Awards Well Played, Evan Rachel Wood

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makeover madness

Last time we saw Evan "Dita" Rachel "Von Teese" Wood, she had broken up with Marilyn Manson but was still piling on the makeup as if she were impersonating his ex. Except that Evan Rachel Wood is, like, barely 21, and needs a face full of slap about as much as I need to rub butter all over my face and then let it bake in the sun.

For a refresher, here is how she looked:

There is more where that came from -- but thankfully, that more did not come from last night. No, our girl showed up at the Critics' Choice Awards looking downright soft:

Continue reading Critics' Choice Awards Well Played, Evan Rachel Wood.

January 6, 2009

Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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WILL: You. Are. FINE.

ROSARIO: Thanks, Will.

WILL: I don't let just anyone stand next to me, you know. I am a dapper cat. I need someone who can hold their own against the heat of my charm and suavitude. I mean, paisley? Could anyone else wear paisley? No. But I am WORKING this paisley. I have given this paisley a sensual massage and now we've moved on to champagne and strawberries and edible panties.

ROSARIO: Sure! It's true that you're very smooth, Will. I'm happy to be here with you.

WILL: But damn, Rosario, I'm serious here -- you glow. If I weren't already in a happy heterosexual marriage and equal partnership that is indestructible against the force of any human foibles, I would be all OVER you. I mean, in that dress, you look like a bridesmaid, a bit. But in a HOT way. It WORKS. You're the sexy-ass bridesmaid at the wedding that all the groomsmen decide they're going to try and hook up with after the reception, but none of them do because I get there first and woo you with sensitive conversation, sharp wit, and my mad love skills.

ROSARIO: Thanks! You are good for my ego.

WILL: I KNOW how to stroke an ego, baby. I am the master of romance. I will pour scented oil on that ego and light candles and then....

ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're the man, you'll massage it and then there's champagne and panties. Noted. Now can we go inside and get this show on the road?

WILL: Not until we get one more picture of this hot love triangle between you, me, and my paisley. The world needs to SEE how it's DONE. YOUR MOVE, BECKHAM. I dare you to pull this off, boy.

ROSARIO: This is going to be a long night.

December 18, 2008

My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris

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[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

PARIS: Oh, BFF person, thank you. You learned! This is MUCH BETTER.

BRITTANY: Yep. I am a quick study.

PARIS: You're kind of wearing a tutu, sorta-maybe, and it's a bit underwhelming, but you are walking like a FULL pace behind me! Just like I told you to! It is so awesome when people do what you tell them. You're like a pet!

BRITTANY: Uh-huh. It's a great gig. Just great.

PARIS: And, like, I'm totally in this kinda cute schoolteacher dress -- like I'm a stripper who's going to show up at some dude's bachelor party looking all innocent and then it turns out this thing rips off and reveals that I'm wearing lingerie made of an old Algebra book, which I have totally done, but just on a random Sunday night and it was just for some dude I met at the nail salon -- and you kinda look like a sad little pupil. Eating my every word with, like, a spork.

BRITTANY: Sporks. Right. Sure. And really, it's fun back here. Don't you worry about me.

PARIS: Now that you are on the right track, can you help me fix Nicky?

BRITTANY: What's wrong with her?

PARIS: Um, have you SEEN HER?

Continue reading My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris.

December 18, 2008

Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes

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Although my irrational and probably totally unfair distain for Sarah Paulson has been well-documented herein, I have to admit that I feel sorry for her this morning. She arrived at the premiere of The Spirit last night in this:

I actually think the dress itself is lovely. But it is not a good color on her, and she's doing herself no favors with her makeup (she needs MORE of it, I think, because otherwise this yellow makes her look super washed out, and sallow), not to mention this bizarrely stern Elmira Gulch-y schoolmarm expression, which she's sporting in nearly every picture.

Maybe she was cranky because she thought she was going to be the only one rocking the canary last night, and then Eva Mendes showed up in this:

Continue reading Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes.

December 17, 2008

Well Played, Kate Winslet

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KATE: I want it, Leo. I want the Oscar.

LEO: And you will win one, Kate. ... For HOTNESS.

KATE: Stop clowning. I know I look fabulous. Have you SEEN me?

LEO: I'm either used to the tan, or it's faded. Smashing.

KATE: Next stop, Academy Award.

LEO: I can see you holding it, Kate.

KATE: I have to have it, Leo.

LEO: Squeeze my hand and let's dream together.

KATE: I will not be Susan Lucci, Leo. I will not be the goddamn Susan Lucci of Real Acting.

LEO: I won't let it happen.

KATE: Nineteen tries. It took her NINETEEN TRIES to win the Daytime Emmy. I've had ten tries and I haven't even won a fucking Globe. A GLOBE. They're not even REAL AWARDS.

LEO: Wow, you have one hell of a grip.

KATE: I will NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. I WILL NOT become the Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery of the grown-up awards circuit! NO.

LEO: Can't... feel... fingers...

KATE: I have two more Globe nominations, and let's face it, probably two more Oscar ones coming up, AND ONE OF THEM HAD BETTER PAY OFF, DO YOU HEAR ME?

LEO: All right, all right! But at least you look amazing.

KATE: Well, yes. That is the first step. And then we will conquer the trophies.

LEO: Phew. I thought I was going to lose my hand.

December 11, 2008

Well Played, Brooke Shields (And Also Elizabeth Banks)

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Lipstick Jungle

When I grow up, I want to be Brooke Shields.

She is one big reason -- secret shame alert! -- I'm going to miss Lipstick Jungle if/when it does officially get canceled. Not only is good old Lindsay Price from 90210 really funny and charming and not-emaciated on it, but I love looking at Brooke Shields every week. The woman is gorgeous, and she is totally rocking the hell out of her forties without appearing to have messed with her face. Seriously, I watch her in HD, and she still looks awesome.

There's not even anything that remarkable about her outfit here, other than that she looks lovely and seven-feet-tall in it; really, it's just that she struck me enough to make me ponder for a while how tragic it is that when I hit 40, it will look nothing LIKE that. Hell, when I hit 30, it didn't look anything like that. She should really write a thank-you note to her parents for that DNA. I feel like even Elizabeth Banks, who looks adorable here herself, is secretly thinking, "Damn, Brooke Shields is a tall drink of water, AND she wears huge heels, AND she seems nice and normal, AND she went mano a mano with Crazy Tom Cruise and won. If I weren't so obsessed with telling everyone in every interview just how attractive I am, I would tell everyone how hot Brooke is."

So, well played to both of them, but also, when they invent shape-shifting, I'm totally going to give the Brooke Shields setting a try.

December 9, 2008

The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo

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ANGELINA: It's so nice to see you.

J.LO: Oh, Brad's Lady Person, me duele. This pains me, because I would like to say the same, but I cannot.

ANGELINA: Excuse me?

J.LO: It is clear nobody taught you how to have twins.

ANGELINA: I... what?

J.LO: Look at you in that black thing. I cannot see your boobs. What is the point of getting fat for nine months if you can't make people stand in awe of your hotness when you are fit again?

ANGELINA: Because kids are great? I plan to collect them all!

J.LO: Ah, yes, I love my little tiny tots. But I also love my giant tots -- the ones on my chest. I HYPNOTIZE with them. Try to look away. YOU CANNOT. This is what you must achieve, Angennifer.

ANGELINA: You're mixing me up with...

J.LO: Oh, whatever. You, the Anistperson, it's all the same. You both always wear black. Blah blah blah. You must take a lesson from me, Pitt twig! Lay it all out there! Your boobs are like God's tattoos. They have MEANING. MAKE PEOPLE LOOK. Can it with the sad strapless sheaths. Mis ojos, they burn with shame for your lack of FLASH.

ANGELINA: Thanks for the advice.

J.LO: I mean, LOOK AT ME. Behold:

Continue reading The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo.

November 14, 2008

Well Played, Elizabeth Banks

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grey,
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I loved this dress when Mischa Barton wore it in different colors -- many moons ago, before she and her headbands and her unflattering tights recently conspired to chew up my heart, spit it out, and then pick their teeth with my aorta -- and I still rather like it here:

I'm a big fan of grey, although I wish Elizabeth would've resisted the urge to shove her hands in her pockets -- it sort of looks like she's smiling to create the illusion that everything's fine, while secretly rooting around for her pepper spray.

Actually, though... is it just me, or does she look kind of strange in this photo? And no, I am not saying there is anything wrong with her DNA. Obviously, Elizabeth Banks is gorgeous (and boy, is she ever not afraid to tell you that in interviews). But something about the coif and the way she's smiling kind of reminds me of.... okay, bear with me: Picture the end of Back to the Future, when Marty wakes up in 1985 again and -- SPOILER -- his whole family has changed for the better, and Lea Thompson comes swanning in after playing tennis in khaki pants and never breaking a sweat, and her Fortysomething Lady makeup makes her face look kind of plasticky and stiff, and her hairdo is all teased up at the top but flat to her head until it flips out again at the bottom, making her forehead look huge? That's where my mind goes when I look at Elizabeth in this picture. [I wanted to get a screen grab of Hygienic And Healthy-Livered Adult Lorraine, but of course, today is the only day in the history of DirecTV that nobody is showing that movie.] Somehow, Elizabeth's face just looks like a slightly altered version of itself. This of course has NOTHING to do with the clothes, and everything to do with the fact that I keep hoping Michael J. Fox found his way to 1985 again, and is currently doing something that will end in Crispin Glover and the dude who played Biff suddenly appearing in this photo.

poll by twiigs.com

November 14, 2008

Well Played: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Can we take a sec to talk about the Olsens?

Sure, M-K's boots are totally wack and that MIGHT be a poncho she's belted, and (despite my passionate love for vintage and vintage-y coats) I'm not entirely sure about Ashley's outerwear, but let's have some perspective. Remember this? Or this? Or OMG -- this? I'd say they're looking kind of awesome, in comparison. Awesome and healthy and happy. Sure, they're never going to wear Loubs that don't look maybe half a size too big, but let's be honest. It's...well, it's downright refreshing. They look pretty and interesting and...YES. YES. I KIND OF WANT TO READ THEIR BOOK. There. You got it out of me. Are you happy now? Are you?!

Well Played

Golden Globes Divaliciously Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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Critics' Choice Awards Well Played, Evan Rachel Wood

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Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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My BFFug/Moderately Decently Played, Paris

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Fug Spirit/Well Played, Eva Mendes

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Well Played, Kate Winslet

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Well Played, Brooke Shields (And Also Elizabeth Banks)

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The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo

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Well Played, Elizabeth Banks

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Well Played: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

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