Well Played

Seriously, dudes, I hate it when Chloe Sevigny shows up places and looks awesome, and it's happening more than it used to.

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See? Other than kind of straggly hair -- which, awkwardly, I myself have RIGHT THIS SECOND -- and that questionable choker, she looks totally fine and cute.  Maybe even -- HORRORS -- a little boring. Except for the shoes, of course. I want to club her over the head with a sack full of oranges, rip those off her feet and go running into the dark, cold night, laughing uproariously and cradling them to my breast like a precious, precious baby. Because I dig them. A lot.  But otherwise, I kind of miss those halcyon days when she used to run around that that Art Garfunkel hair do. So this fills me with ennui.

November 3, 2008

Well Played, Bai Ling?!?

Oh, Bai Ling, you are so sly.

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[Photo: WENN]

Sure, that looks nice and normal, but we all know better. What've you got on your lower half, eh? A tutu made of human hair? Pants made out of maracas? Bloomers stuffed with cotton balls and cashew nuts? It's got to be SOMETHING crazy. You are Bai freaking Ling, after all.

Or are you:
October 27, 2008

Well Played, Nicole Richie

Props to Nicole Richie. Fresh off an amusing role on Chuck, she showed up at this event looking like the proverbial million bucks:

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[Photo: Splash News]

Of course, those million bucks only equal about 650,000 British pounds -- before tax -- so she probably shouldn't take the show overseas. But she's deeply hot nonetheless.
October 13, 2008

Well Played, Rachel Bilson

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

RACHEL BILSON: Oh, Hayden.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN: What?

RACHEL: The vest. The VEST. I can't look.

HAYDEN: It's a harness! It's for the commercial I'm shooting. It's not like I'm wearing it to a club.

RACHEL: It looks like a combo lifejacket and nut-sling. What will people SAY?

HAYDEN: They will say, "Hey, Rachel Bilson looks really cute walking next to her boyfriend who is wearing a harness for a commercial he is shooting."

RACHEL: Or they might think you're off your rocker, and that you shouldn't wear scoop-necked tees because you look like a sexually ambiguous French bohemian poet from The Days Of Yore.

HAYDEN: So you're saying I should take this ENTIRE thing off next time we go on a coffee break? Do you know how long it takes me to put it on in the first place?

RACHEL: Hmm. I see your point. Perhaps a very large coat?

HAYDEN: Did I mention you look adorable today? Even WITH the wind blowing your dress around?

RACHEL: Aw. It's true. Okay, fine, you can keep the harness. FOR NOW. I will just carry around a sign that says, "HE'S WEARING IT FOR A JOB, PEOPLE." That should help.

HAYDEN: Hey, would a tiny wager make you feel better?  Ten bucks says one of the Pussycat Dolls sees this and orders ten in different shades.

RACHEL: Done... because I think she will order twenty.

October 2, 2008

Well Played, Emma Watson

Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson, YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW.

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[Photo: Splash News]

How DARE you go traipsing around Paris being photographed in adorable coats and cute jackets and pants that make me want to run right out and shop for winter clothes. Don't you realize that it's approximately eleventy degrees Fahrenheit in my L.A. neighborhood? To the point where the air-conditioning in my car only cools off whatever parts of me it's hitting directly, because the outside heat is so oppressive that the rest of the vehicle stays hot? Why are you hurting me this way?

I mean, seriously, that jacket looks good on you:
It's killing me that Paris has been looking so cute lately.

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[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

I love this dress. And her hair still works. Granted, it was really hard to find any kind of picture of this outfit that didn't include her contorting into a douchey pose -- back jutting out and hips thrown forward, legs crossed so far you could lie a small child down between her heels, back to the camera -- but otherwise, it's great. I'm ashamed to admit that this almost makes me see some advantages to being her BFF. Sure, she'd never defend me if one of her other posse members decided to pick on me, and she'd probably trash-talk my only pair of Louboutins and then either steal them for herself or dump a vodka-cranberry on them to ensure their speedy ruin, and she'd probably put peroxide in my shampoo if anyone ever said that they liked my hair. I'm sure we'd hit the clubs and I'd wake up the next day with her face tattooed on my calf and no memory. And it's entirely possible she'd rig my pants so that they fell down in public, just so she could get a laugh and then swoop in and save the day and make sure I knew how much I needed her and never, EVER to cross her or else photos of my raggedy ass would be splashed all over the Internet.

BUT, she'd probably let me shop with her, and in a weak moment I'd probably get an appointment with her hair dude and/or take home some cast-offs that are too big for her. It MIGHT be worth it.

** Ooh, except that some readers with better eagle-eyes than I have -- at least when it comes to Paris's boobs -- have pointed out that the weird reflection on her chest MIGHT be some sort of nipple-covering device. Although I can't really fault her for wanting to hide them (since most of the time she seems hell-bent on showing off as much of herself as possible), that simple fact is saving me from slipping further down this rabbit hole. Thank GOD.

September 30, 2008

Well Played, Katy Perry

It's always a relief when Katy Perry isn't wearing hot pants, or tight satin, or outfits with unexplained airplanes all over the place.

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Although maybe that just means my standards for her are far too low, and she could leave the house in a purple bedsheet and I'd praise her to the heavens for not acting like the flesh incarnation of Betty Boop. But honestly, I think she looks cute here. It's still a bold color, the coat is kind of edgy without being garish, and even the length doesn't stumpify her the way it might a lot of other people. It's almost -- dare I say it -- classy. And definitely still fun.

Or in other, more punny words, I unfugged a girl and I liked it.

It has been an extremely long week, so it's possible that I've entirely taken leave of my senses, but I feel like...Paris Hilton looked kind of great heading into see Letterman:

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That color is great on her, that dress isn't too fussy. I don't care for the bag, but she looks sort of like....chic and relaxed. What's the DEAL? Is it because she's all in love? Is it because she's mellowing with age? Is it her hair cut?

Seriously, let's look at the haircut:

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[Photo: INFDaily.com]

MELODY: Oh, shoot, Nicole, I just realized something.

NICOLE: What's that?

MELODY: No, don't look up -- keep your head down, keep moving forward, let's just get out of here as fast as we can.

NICOLE: Why?

MELODY: Well, we're two of the Pussycat Dolls.

NICOLE: And this embarrasses you NOW?

MELODY: No, no, I mean... look at us.

NICOLE: I don't follow.

MELODY: No corsets. No rubber. No latex.

NICOLE: ... Oh, God. Wait, I thought YOU were going to wear the crotchless hot pants with polka-dot tights and suspenders made of human hair!

MELODY: WELL I DIDN'T.

NICOLE: Shoot. Robin Antin is going to kill us. Is there a tutu shop nearby?

MELODY: All is not lost. At least I'm wearing some fairly unattractive high-waisted shorts.

NICOLE; Oh, thank God, and whatever you've got over your arm has fringe on it, doesn't it? We're going to be okay! I can turn that into something deranged, I'm just sure of it.

MELODY: Let's find a phone booth...

NICOLE: Ew, YOU find a phone booth. I'll find a bathroom.

MELODY: Whatever. Just hurry up, because we don't want any more photos of us looking relatively normal. Robin will take away our credit cards.
OH. MY. GOD. Y'ALL. Where have I been for the last year or whatever?

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I think I heard something about something about how it's totally depressing to make fun of someone's outfits when her outfits are the least of her problems or something? I don't know. I wasn't paying any attention. I don't know if y'all are aware, but I have had a craaaazy year this last year. That chapter in my autobiography (working title: Cheetos: A Love Story) is going to be juicy. That's all I'm saying. Lifetime Television For Women juicy and I am so playing myself as Young Britney and then Kim Cattrall can play me when I'm old, just like in Crossroads. Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and tell all y'all that I'm feeling much better and if you're blind or whatever and reading this in like Braille or something, I also really just want you to know that I also look TOTALLY AWESOME and really cute and in good shape and with a decent weave for once and also completely self-actualized and full of inner something or other -- I don't know. Dr Phil keeps calling and leaving these long-ass messages on my machine about letting my inner self-esteem elephant trample the lawn of my self-image or something and that reminds me I need to call him and tell him to leave me alone because I so don't need a new man in my life. Just this hot ass outfit. Suck on it, Timberlake. You too, Federline. And all the rest of all y'all. I told you I'd be back. It just TOOK ME A WHILE. GOD.

LOVE YOU MISSED YOU MEAN IT

BRITNEY.

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