Whitney Port Archives

October 26, 2009

Fug or Fab: Whitney Port

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pink

I suspect that, from the neck up, this picture could be secretly introduced into any of our families' photo albums from the late 70s/extremely early 80s, and no one would notice it wasn't an original.

[Photos: Splash News]

She looks like an incredibly well-groomed extra on Freaks and Geeks, and while my original reaction to this was to snottily wrinkle my nose and mark it for DESTRUCTION, the more I look at it, the more I kind of like it. Possibly because I've now been staring at it for over an hour and I've come to feel some sympathy for my photographic captor. I'm so easily talked into things, I swear. If I ever get kidnapped, I give it four days before I'm making those assholes grilled cheese sandwiches.

poll by twiigs.com

October 5, 2009

Fug City

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LAUREN CONRAD: Hey, Whit. Thanks so much for coming out to support my new Kohl's line.

WHITNEY PORT: My pleasure!

LAUREN: And just in case anyone is wondering, nothing you are wearing comes from my line.

WHITNEY: What was that?

LAUREN: Oh, NOTHING! Nothing. Shall we get a better look at your outfit, that I didn't have anything to do with? That you didn't even call or text me about?

Continue reading Fug City.

September 14, 2009

VMAs Fug Carpet: Whitney Port

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The other day I put Freida Pinto's Christopher Kane dress to a vote, and 57 percent of you decided it was Fug Central. So I'm curious to know how you'll feel about Whitney Port's frock from the same line:

To me, it's worse. At least Freida's promised to hold itself up; Whit's is perilously close to freeing an imprisoned nipple, and it almost looks unfinished, like there was supposed to be a top built around that support garment but the designer ran out of time. And don't get me started on how These Kids Today sit down in skirts like that -- makes me wonder if the transparent layer is actually necessary as some sort of sanitary liner. I'm waiting for the day somebody makes a gynecological minidress with a full-on toilet-wrap dispenser attached. You know it'll happen. Hell, Lady Gaga probably has three of them in different colors sitting in her basement lab.

poll by twiigs.com

July 3, 2009

Scrolldown Fug: Whitney Port

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I don't understand -- did Whitney think it was International From-The-Waist-Up Day? Or that Independence Day weekend meant freeing yourself from the itchy binds of well-matched outfits?

[Photo: Splash News]

I could handle how haphazard that belt is with the vest, because what she's trying to achieve is identifiable, but I'm not sure how to account for the fact that she's wearing her very favorite pajama shorts, unless this whole thing is actual, tangible proof that she's sleepwalking her way through shooting The City. But that's no excuse for being a walking variation on a mullet -- business up top, party everywhere else -- and it makes her look like she's going to set up Lucy Van Pelt-style booth of legal advice at some outdoor music festival. Which I would MAYBE give her a pass for if she promised to yank a football away from that idiotic Jonas/Bee Gee hybrid she fake-dated on the show, or even, nay especially, if she did it to Olivia Palermo. But ONLY then.

June 19, 2009

Well Played, Whitney Port

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You know, between the satin sleep shorts and the crowns of flowers and all the terrible pants/leggings/tights atrocities Whitney Port has committed over the years, it's easy to forget she's actually a tall drink of water. So presumably she decided to remind us:

[Photo: WENN.com]

I love this on her -- it's simple and elegant and flattering, three words that I don't believe I've EVER used to describe one of her ensembles. Somewhere, her City rival Olivia Palermo is sitting at home, brushing her hair 200 times in front of her mirror, wondering how easy it is to get away with arson, or whether she can arrange for Whitney to be standing next to Spencer and Heidi at the EXACT moment of their inevitable smiting from on high.

June 8, 2009

Fugly Port

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[Photos: Splash News]

I know what you're wondering, looking at this. You're thinking, "I wonder who's texting her." Well, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, I can tell you. The computer wizards here at GFY HQ intercepted a series of texts between Whitney and her mother, which I exclusively present to you here:

MAMA PORT: Whitney. Go home and put on some pants. My god.

WHITNEY: What R U talking about? I'm WEARING pants.

MAMA PORT: Those aren't pants. So ashamed right now.

WHITNEY: I bought them @ Bergdorfs. Says "TAP PANTS" right on the box.

MAMA PORT: TAP PANTS ARE UNDERGARMENTS.

WHITNEY: ????

MAMA PORT: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM OUTSIDE.

WHITNEY: How can U even C me?

MAMA PORT: Please use complete words when you text me.

WHITNEY: Fine. How can YOU even SEE me?

MAMA PORT: It's called THE INTERNET. Have you SEEN your rear view?

WHITNEY: I don't have eyes in the back of my head, Mom.

MAMA PORT: Find a mirror. I'll wait.

Continue reading Fugly Port.

May 29, 2009

The Fugly II: The Fuggening

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Remember how, like, two hours ago, I said Whitney Port was pulling off the baggy ratty boyfriend jeans?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Yeah, here's the other side of that coin. When you flip it, instead of "heads or tails," your options are "hot or homeless."

May 29, 2009

The Fugly

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I feel like Ms Whitney Port here, by virtue of being very young and tall and lanky, is one of the few people on earth who can kind of truly pull off these jeans:

Like, I get them. I still think they look like the jeans I wear to garden in, and that -- at best -- they're really too casual for anything other than daytime running around town, but I GET IT. We're all wearing our fat jeans out and about right now and that's okay. It's temporary. In fact, my theory is that this is a natural next step from how we all started wearing big floaty tops and dresses a few years ago and haven't entirely stopped: it's because we all realized that wearing something that didn't require sucking in our stomachs constantly was DELIGHTFUL. I guarantee, in fact, that I am going to get a pair very much like these at some point -- because I am sadly prone to following jeans trends, with the exception of the high-waisted, because I am not totally out of my mind -- and that there will then be a point where I am wearing them and I catch sight of myself in a mirror out at the market or whatever and I think to myself, "JESUS CHRIST THESE JEANS ADD TEN POUNDS TO ME WHAT AM I DOING?" but then I'll be out and about and stuck in them for at least the next hour and then we'll all be filled with pants-related-regret. I'll let you know when that happens. But this is not about her jeans, contrary to what you might have anticipated after reading all that. It is not about her matchy-matchy black-and-white color scheme. It is about her freaking headband. It looks like a spitball on her head. Stop the headband madness, girls. None of us are Blair Waldorf.

March 31, 2009

The Fugty

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Riddle me this, Whitney Port:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

How are you not bedridden with the flu all the time? How has your immune system not gone on strike because your refusal to wear pants is forcing it to work countless hours of unpaid overtime? I get that it's been in the 50s in New York, and that's great and all, but it's still pants weather. Now, maybe those are thermal; maybe they're cotton. But they are not real pants. See the overgrown Jonas Brother lookalike next to you? He's wearing real pants. See that woman in the distance walking away from you? Real pants. AND a long coat. I bet if you were to open the doors to random taxicabs, you'd see pants. Pants, pants, pants. And you'd probably think, "What are these fabric sheaths everyone calls 'pants'?" because OBVIOUSLY NO ONE HAS TAUGHT YOU.

Oh, and one more thing:

Continue reading The Fugty.

January 5, 2009

The Fugity II: Full Fugtal

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Jessica already shone our judgmental spotlight on Whitney Port's head-wreath and crazy jacket, but I stumbled upon a glimpse of her full outfit and couldn't resist enabling us all to gawk at it. See, Whitney -- for the uninitiated, who (if they exist) have a wonderful, wonderful existence and should cherish it -- is a girl who, generally, seems to have an aversion to anything that is not either skintight pants, or skirts that put at least three-quarters of her skinny, mile-long legs on display. And that's fine; she should flaunt it while she's got it. But they even went so far as to stage a shot on The City of her wearing a crotch-skimming mini to her first day at work, walking past some construction workers who -- instead of hooting -- patted each other supportively on the shoulder as if to say, "Someday, Billy. If you dream big, someday you, too, can have 44-inch legs with the approximate thigh circumference of a bowling pin." In short, if Whitney isn't the mayor of Leg City, then she's at least the head of the town's zoning commission.

Which is why this is so hilarious. I'd have sooner expected Whitney to cut this thing off where the light purple becomes dark and wear THAT as a dress on its own:

Instead, she's about ten seconds away from making a maypole out of a nearby street lamp and performing "Age of Aquarius" on her trusty blade of grass. I'll slip her an extra Benjamin if she can get Spencer on the pan flute.

Whitney Port

Fug or Fab: Whitney Port

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Fug City

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VMAs Fug Carpet: Whitney Port

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Scrolldown Fug: Whitney Port

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Well Played, Whitney Port

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Fugly Port

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The Fugly II: The Fuggening

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The Fugly

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The Fugty

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The Fugity II: Full Fugtal

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