Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

Fugs and Pieces: Friday, Oct. 30

-- Just in case you were wondering, yes, Scientology IS experiencing a little extra hateration lately. (Yahoo)

-- Hamish Bowles wrote a piece for this month's Vogue about some Outward Bound-y camping trip thingy Anna forced him to do. The article is a fun read -- it actually kind of reminds me of a piece in Sassy like a hundred years ago where one of the writers (Christina Kelly, maybe) went on a similarly Outward Bound-y trip and realized that she was going to bond with a fellow adventurer when she saw her putting on lipstick with a brush. WHY DIDN'T I SAVE MY SASSY MAGAZINES? Anyway, this was entertaining, if only for the moment where you realize Anna is wholly unconcerned about Hamish perishing in the wild. (Style.com)

-- The London Times profiles Lilo. It's depressing. Someone force this girl to live in a yurt for six months or something. (The London Times)

-- Everyone hearts Ivanka's wedding dress. (Parenthetically, can we just say that The Donald and Ivana clearly did something right, because the Trump offspring are the like anti-Hiltons? THANK GOD.) (NYMag.com)

-- Oh my god, you guys. Tuesday is NATIONAL SANDWICH DAY. You know how we feel about sandwiches. Lemondrop is currently running a contest to determine America's greatest sandwich. Vote early, vote often. (Lemondrop)

-- This picture will please you. If you're not some Sesame Street-hating FREAK, that is. (Popwrap)

-- It's comforting that Amanda Woodward's hair still has her classic dark roots and needs a wee touch of anti-frizz. She has no time for anti-frizz and root touch-uppery. SHE'S BUSY KICKING YOUR ASS. She is so going to semi-accidentally talk someone in the new cast into killing themselves so that she can achieve her professional goals. My only question is, which of them is going to turn to alcoholism and endless whining (aka, become Allison)?

When Intern George isn't rubbing our feet, scrawling "Mr. George Fug Girls" on his Trapper Keeper, or peeling grapes that he then feeds us from a silver platter -- as we lounge on our chaises and swoon, "Dahling, WHITHER the fug today, I shall simply PERISH if Katy Perry doesn't soon leave the house in a latex jumpsuit!" -- we sometimes let him answer our mail. And today, we decided to let him print some of his answers. We swear on all things holy (so, on George himself) that these are all VERY real e-mails we've received at GFY HQ, with names removed to protect the somewhat innocent.

E-mail #1

Subject line: Evan rachel wood fan

hi evan just checkeing how you are and i here across the univers has just come out on dvd i am going to watch soon hopefilly i have this deal called love film you choose as many dvs as you want and they will send you 2 at a time across the univers is at the top off my list so i am just waiting for them to send it to me.

Dear Friend,

Do not sell yourself short. True love means more than two at a time (which anyone on the Ocean's Whatever sets will tell you, nudge, nudge!). You deserve a movie company who will cherish you as I would: arms wide open, chest broad, man-scent tickling your nostrils, and infinite little embraces you don't have to wait to receive. Also, have you seen Space Camp? It's divinity on a disc. Just like Across the Universe, but with fewer songs, more space, a different plot, and a robot. It may change your life. It WILL change your movie-ordering queue.

Jinx put Max in space,

G

E-mail #2

Subject line: RE

I am Mr.Chen,I got a Deal for you.Get back for details

Dear Friend,

I would love a subscription to Details. How did you know? I do wish it had more quizzes, though. Have you read Cosmopolitan? Wonderful stuff. Please let the editors know that real men crave stories about the degrees of tenderness with which to caress a friend, or when it's okay in a relationship to let your lover know about your villa, or 197 Ways To Rock The Sack, or perhaps something about what to do when Brad Pitt won't stop sending you really inappropriate gag gifts pertaining to the title of your latest movie, The Men Who Stare At Goats. Oh, but I can't stay mad at Brad. He's too huggable. Perhaps I could write a guest column at Details called "Man-Hugs And You: Partners In Freedom"? Let me know, sweet Mr. Chen.

Let's subscribe to each other,

G

E-mail #3

Subject line: LILO

HAY YOU MEAN F---ERS

MY A 24 YEAR OLD WOMAN AND I'M A BIG FAN OF LILO'S, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THINK,

THE WAY PEOPLE TRY SO HARD TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF HER,

IS PATHETIC WHY PUT HER DOWN ALL SHE HAS DONE IS MAKE MOVIES ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS MAKE MOVIES FOR YOU MEAN F---ERS OUT THEIR GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK. WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO EMBARRASS HER WHY MAKE A 22 YEAR OLD GIRL FELL BAD ABOUT HERSELF YOU DUM F---ERS YOU ARE UNPORFESSIOAL, DISRESPECTFUL MEAN POEPLE GROW UP

MY HART GO'S OUT TO HER

Dear Friend,

Like Kanye, your caps lock is loud. I hear the fury of its imaginary audio and it burns my ears with shame. But let's not turn against each other. Instead, let's pop in a Hart To Hart DVD -- assuming you did not send it to Lindsay already in an utterly unselfish act of love -- and work together to understand this complaint that I am "unporefessional." Does that mean my pores are dishonest? That they do not confess their sins? Because, sweet treasure, the fact is that I ooze truth. Mayhap you should come closer, into my healing embrace, and let my pores ooze their truth onto you. How drunk we'll be with honesty! How oily with freedom! Then, and only then, can we clasp hands and try to make Lindsay Lohan a better place.

I know who hugged me,

G

E-mail #4

Subject line: Test group email 1

bla bla

Dear Friend,

Your missive is a remarkable work of symbolism -- a shimmering jewel of minimalist word-economy during this, our national recession. We should be more like you. We should ALL test group email 1. We should ALL forsake the 'h' key. And in doing so, we will speak only with our eyes and our trobbing earts, not our fingers or our mouts. Only ten will we be one, saving te world one abrupt communique at a time. I cerish you.

My arms are recession-proof,

G

Lemondrop: Sexy Halloween Dos and Don'ts From the Stars

Look. We all know that celebrities LOVE Halloween, because many of them subsist wholly on Red Bull and attention, and what better way to get some attention than by going out dressed like a....well, Sexy Whatever. Am I right? This week, for Lemondrop.com, we examine how to get your own Halloween skank on without actually looking...you know, super skanky. To wit: do not do as Paris Hilton does:

"La Hilton's insane Halloween ensemble from 2005 is the poster outfit for OH MY GOD NO. For one thing, bunnies don't wear lingerie, unless they are on Hugh Hefner's payroll. For another, WE CAN SEE HER BIRTH-CONTROL PATCH."

So, what we're saying is, if you've decided to use Halloween as an excuse to look extra sexxxy this year (no judgment: we've been there), take some hints from the likes of Ms Hilton and the rest of the poor sad fools profiled herein. SAY NO TO FLAUNTING YOUR PATCH.

Quiz Fug

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Man Fugs

I don't know about you.

But I am DAMN RELIEVED that Rob Morrow managed to get back from his archeological expedition -- AKA, his adventure fighting the Nazis in a race against time to recover a sacred and possibly cursed artifact -- in time to attend this event. Little known fact: it's very rare to return from playing Indiana Jones (Rob's version is actually named Michigan Smith. Details.) in time to change before you go out. You just have to hope your scarf is sufficiently jaunty and get your ass on that red carpet! Ah, the life of an adventurer.

Unfug It Up: Kerry Washington

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This one is tricky, right?

It's a gorgeous dress...if you're a kicky and/or child bride. Otherwise, I think it's kind of hard to pull off, no matter how ostensibly beautiful the dress (or you) are. Me, I'd....well, I'd start by giving the girl some different shoes. These are surely lovely, but they -- and the bag -- make her look like she's just trying this dress on and showing us all for our thoughts before changing into the outfit she REALLY wore outside. How woulod you fix this? Or are you into it, just as it is?

Freaky Fug Friday: Elen Rives

It's that time of week, Fug Nation. You to write the post about this photo, following our very specific guidelines. The best three (or so) entries posted in the comments -- please don't e-mail them to us -- between NOW and 10 p.m. PST Sunday night will be posted on GFY Monday morning, with attribution, and then y'all get to vote for your favorite, to pick a winner. (Right now the only prize is THE THRILL OF VICTORY.) Enter as often as you want! Can we top last week's amazing haiku? I believe!

THE PICTURE:

[Photo: Splash News]

THE FUGEE: Former and probably future WAG Elen Rives, who's recently split from her uber-famous footballer boyfriend Frank Lampard in what sounds like a MESSY break-up. Unlike other famous Wives and Girlfriends (...POSH), Elen does not not appear to have a job as a pop star/designer to fall back on. Right now, she doesn't even have a WIKIPEDIA PAGE, so it's basically like she doesn't exist. Hence, her agreeing to appear wearing THIS COAT at a celebration of Hello Kitty's 35th birthday.

THE GUIDELINES: Your entry must take the form of a limerick. Grammar and spelling count. You may be risque, as in the tradition of all good limericks, but try not to get crazy, full-on inappropriate. And although I think most of you are able to recognize a limerick once you've written one (much like porn), to make sure we're all clear: a limerick has five lines, with a rhyme sequence of A A B B A. This is a famous one:

"The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical;
The good ones I've seen
Are seldom so clean,
Whilst the clean ones are seldom so comical."

Should you need further limerick-y explanation, this website is a tremendously good source for it.

EXTRANEOUS DETAILS: Ms. Rives hails not from England, like her soccer-playing ex, but from Spain. In which case, your limerick may easily begin, "There once was a model from Spain...." This may be helpful, because as My Fair Lady taught us, MANY things rhyme with "Spain."

IMPORTANT WARNING: Please keep your entry in the spirit of the site itself. We're pretty sure y'all know what that means. Now.....GO.

Random Fug: Lara Bingle

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This outfit, when it appeared on Rihanna, became our first-ever Unfug It Up feature -- she styled it differently, of course, which was part of the issue. But it's interesting to me to see it on somebody who is not as naturally edgy or daring as Rihanna:

This woman is an Aussie model, although in this photo it looks like she's conducting the U.S.S. Enterprise's shipboard orchestra in a fairly pedestrian rendition of "Waltzing Matilda." And the outfit... doesn't work. It's totally wearing her, instead of the other way around. Of course, it doesn't help that Lara emits a vibe of having been up all night after several failed attempts to pass out in the drawers behind her. But I think it goes to show that sometimes it's the styling that fails you, and sometimes it's just the style. As in, I don't think this is quite hers. Point to Rihanna. Now let's see if Ms. Bingle has the guts to try this one in Round Two.

poll by twiigs.com

Labor Fugs

Fug file:

skin is not a shirt

So it's come to this.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Lindsay Lohan is wearing TWO things that button in front of her torso, and yet somehow neither one of them manages to be fastened. Indeed, she's actually CLUTCHING it closed. Either the girl has dieted away the memory of how to use buttons, or she's about to throw open her coat and ask me if I want to buy a watch from the glittering array of Faux-lex timepieces she has swinging from the lining.

NY Fug.com: The Hollywood Burglar Bunch Is More Entertaining Than Actual Hollywood Entertainment

I love this story about the teen girl gang who ran a burglary ring for like a year. It's going to be an AWESOME movie. BUT:

"As juicy as the inevitable movie based on the Hollywood Burglar Bunch is bound to be, it seems that unless they add a dying sibling whose brain fog can only be cured by eating the second hand of a purloined Cartier watch, a dramatized silver-screen send-up wouldn't hold a candle to the way it has unfolded in actual fact. Especially when said facts include the collusion of a guy who calls himself "Johnny Dangerous"

Johnny Dangerous! I want someone to start calling ME that. Read the rest of our take on these terribly juicy shenanigans at NY Mag.com.

The Blind Fug

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I love Sandra Bullock, and every time I see an ad for her new movie The Blind Side, in which she and her family take in an homeless orphaned football player who's never had his own bed, and he -- I presume -- teaches them a valuable lesson about family in the course of earning a college scholarship, I totally tear up. I CAN'T HELP IT. Homeless kid + football + valuable lesson about love + nontraditional family coming together = me crying. Of course, I also used to cry BUCKETS at this one Whirlpool commercial that featured like 20 seconds of an old couple smiling at each other as they loaded the dishwasher, so I'm an easy mark. I cry at everything. I cried at the DEDICATION in the final Harry Potter book. But still. I want nice things for Sandy, is what I'm saying. Which is why I am concerned that she's wearing a harem pants jumpsuit on Craig Ferguson:

[Photos: FlynetOnline.com]

Why would you DO THAT, Sandy?

Continue reading The Blind Fug.

Fugs and Pieces: Friday, Oct. 30

Lemondrop: Sexy Halloween Dos and Don'ts From the Stars

Quiz Fug

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Unfug It Up: Kerry Washington

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Freaky Fug Friday: Elen Rives

Random Fug: Lara Bingle

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Labor Fugs

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NY Fug.com: The Hollywood Burglar Bunch Is More Entertaining Than Actual Hollywood Entertainment

The Blind Fug

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