Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

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KEITH URBAN: Psst. Nicole?

NICOLE KIDMAN: Yes?

KEITH: Things had been going so well.

NICOLE: I don't understand. Isn't this color so lovely? Isn't this dress pretty?

KEITH: Yes, but...

NICOLE: And isn't my hair redder than it's been in years?

KEITH: Totally, which is...

NICOLE: Then what? What more do you people want from me?

KEITH: How about circulation in your boobs?

NICOLE: I don't know what you mean.

KEITH: That might be because you can no longer feel them.

NICOLE: But isn't cleavage sexy?

KEITH: Not when it looks a mangled stress toy.

NICOLE: WELL. I wasn't going to say anything about how you're wearing a shirt that's unbuttoned to your sternum -- AGAIN -- but since you're being all huffy...

KEITH: Nice try. But people expect to see my waxed chest. They DEMAND IT.

NICOLE: Riiiight.

KEITH: But they DON'T expect YOUR chest to look like it melted while you were sleeping.

NICOLE: Can we just go inside and get this over with? Now that you mention it, I DO feel like my boobs are about to burst.

KEITH: The open bar will fix that.

NICOLE: Bless.

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: LeAnn Rimes

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So, LeAnn's dress is fine, right?

Would I have worn black shoes? No. But I am not nearly as worried about her black shoes as I am about her black eyes:

Continue reading CMA Awards Fug Carpet: LeAnn Rimes.

Fug or Fab: Kristen Stewart

I might be crazy, but I don't hate this:

It's kind of....funky fresh. It's probably also automatic, supersonic, and hypnotic. The hypnotic aspects possibly being responsible for my not ripping out my hair and SCREAMING about it. Now, do I sort of wish I could see the pieces separated into two different outfits? Yes. But I wish for a lot of things. I wish for world peace. I wish for my own soft-serve machine. I wish Pacey Witter was a real person who lived next door to me and was secretly in love with my hot ass. I wish my ass was hotter. I wish I owned this $1750 pair of Louboutin boots I saw through the window of Barney's last week. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. But if wishes were horses, as they say, beggars would ride. (And nowadays, of course, if wishes were horses, and beggars were riding, we'd be seeing a lot of stories on the local news about a rash of homeless people suddenly appearing on horseback, which would, at the very least, make for some interesting Man on the Street interviews.) In other words: we can't all get what we wish for and must make do with this.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug the Cover: Demi Moore

Can we talk about this? Okay. There are some truths that I hold to be self-evident: namely, that no one can deny the hotness of Demi Moore. She is crazy hot. She may be bathing in the blood of virgins, or drinking vanilla extract under the blue moon while standing on her head, or eating Bacon, Lettuce and Kitten sandwiches to maintain this level of hotness, but hot she is. Bravo, Demi.

HOWEVER. I am unclear as to why W has taken a super hot, very successful, grown woman and Photoshopped her until she looks like a waifish, hungry 19 year old who is just waiting tables at Caeser's Palace until she gets her big break. I have seen Demi Moore in person and she looks FANTASTIC, but she looks neither this fragile nor this hungry, and frankly, I am as tired of fragile, hungry-looking cover models as I am of epaulets. She's nearly 50. Surely there is more to highlight about her than an artfully-shadowed clavicle.

Freaky Fug Friday: Winner

Congratulations to T Shadix, whose winning song parody of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" earned 34 percent of the vote this week. We're having so much fun with these weekly contests, and we hope you are, too -- judging by the quality of the entries we're getting, you must be. So thank you!

And without further ado, the victorious caption:

"I Kissed A Girl/Missed the Wall"

This guy at Sears whose name was Stan
Sold me a Craftsman
I got so drunk, drill in hand
Lost my direction
It's not what, I aimed for
Just wanna hang a pic
I'm feeling blue 'cause I've
Drilled through my small intestine

I missed the wall and I'd like it
If you could call a medic
I missed the wall and my thigh's hit
I hope Sears will refund it
It felt so wrong
To drill so quite
Close to my innards tonight
I missed the wall, ow my right hip
My right hip.

-- T Shadix

See you on Friday with a new challenge.

Fugmmunity

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basic (or unbasic) black

I feel like I'm the only person who hasn't really warmed up to NBC's Community. It keeps getting these slavish reviews, but in my -- admittedly limited -- viewings, the number of times I've laughed are outweighed by the moments in which I've realized I was boredly staring off into space, and had to say, "Wait, what's going on? I zoned out." I think it's because the show in part revolves around the assumption that the Joel McHale character is the kind of charming rogue who can make you love him even when he's being a douche, and in fact, I just think he's a smug asshat most of the time. ANYWAY. I'm sure I will eat those words in a few weeks, because that usually happens to me.

Let me endeavor to write words that will NOT become my dinner:

I do not think Community's Gillian Jacobs made a stellar choice here. The dress might be made of the most expensive fabric woven from unicorn hair, black pearls, and the tears of a clown, but it photographs like it's shiny construction paper. And I can't decide if the epaulets are TOO Liza Minnelli, just Liza Minnelli ENOUGH, or merely the shards of David Gest's wedding toupee in search of a new purpose. It's a lot to feel at once.

Stephanie Fugcobsen

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Stephanie Jacobsen is on the shockingly watchable new Melrose Place as the Med Student Who Pays The Bills With Prostitution (not a spoiler, since she turned to the oldest profession in the pilot). And she is much prettier than this:

That dress is a very, very sad sack. It could even be an ugly shirt over a mini-skirt. All I know is, she has no business wearing a glorified lobster bib to a party unless her date is a man-sized crustacean.

She also needs to learn a thing or two about short skirts and posing. This is safe for work, so no fear:

Continue reading Stephanie Fugcobsen.

Well Played, Nicole Kidman

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dialogue,
red

NICOLE KIDMAN: That's right, bitches! THE RED HAIR IS BACK.

KEITH URBAN: Can't see from my facial expression how relieved I am by this development?

NICOLE: Can't you see from MY facial expression that I know how HOT I look? And please, can it with all the "you don't HAVE facial expressions, Nicole" comments. I'M JUST SERENE IN MY TITIAN HOTNESS.

KEITH: Can't you see from my facial expression that I'm stoked that tonight's outfit didn't require chestal-waxing?

NICOLE: Can't we stop talking about you? And focus on ME?

KEITH: Yes, honey. Trust me, we're all glad you're back.

Byrdie Fug

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Behold socialite and "actress" Byrdie Bell:

ARE WE SERIOUSLY GOING HERE? I CAN'T.

Paula Fugton

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mondo cleavage

Paula Patton is pregnant.

Pretty pinafore, Paula, but please ponder putting your plentiful pregnancy peaches in a potentially roomier place. Your pectoral plethora is pouring out profusely.

CMA Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman

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CMA Awards Fug Carpet: LeAnn Rimes

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Fug or Fab: Kristen Stewart

Fug the Cover: Demi Moore

Freaky Fug Friday: Winner

Fugmmunity

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Stephanie Fugcobsen

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Well Played, Nicole Kidman

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Byrdie Fug

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Paula Fugton

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